Again

Well, dear readers (all three of you…I sometimes wonder if more people show up for NY Mets games than read these words) I may soon live up to the title of this blog.

Yep, I may be laid off once again, and perhaps as early as this coming week.

You want signs? I’ll give you signs aplenty. Many closed down meetings among the All White Males Club, cryptic messages in an email about “budget cuts from on high,” and the real kicker…I overheard two of those White Males talk loudly about a meeting about the “future of” my department.

Now before you think I was being nosy, those comments were said loud enough for me to hear. If they wanted to keep it hush-hush, they should have kept their pie-holes shut.

When I asked my immediate boss if he knew anything about these meeting, he said he didn’t. More damning evidence that something is afoot and it’s not good. If it were something positive, he would have been involved.

It’s pretty obvious there are discussions about eliminating our department altogether, at the very least. Still I wonder, why our department? Why now?

Then the CEO sends an email Friday afternoon announcing the departure of one of our top executives (nice when you get another job and leave, never having to face the wreckage you’ve caused in other people’s lives). In it, he said there would more announcements next week about a restructuring in the company. Can’t wait.

Call me paranoid (and some have), but those are not good smoke signals. Cuts are coming and my gut feeling is it’s going to be bloody. My stomach is constantly in knots.

Now, I could be wrong. A friend said I was probably being “hyper-vigilant” because of my previous layoff, and she could be right. I could be misinterpreting all these signals. Perhaps nothing more that a rebranding of our department is in store.

It also doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll lose my job. At this company, they have a habit of shuffling people to other positions when their departments are shuttered. I may even get a promotion out of it!

Yeah, right, and I’m going to spend the rest of the summer lounging with George Clooney on the shores of Lake Como.

Even as I wrote those sentences, I know how foolish I sounded. I’m a goner; all that’s left is the “this has nothing to do with your work, it’s a business decision” speech, followed by “clean out your desk and leave.”

I have already brought home my office coffee cup.

And I’m not looking forward to it: The humiliation of cleaning out my desk while my former co-workers avert theirs eyes; the nastiness, the favoritism and backstabbing that goes into these decisions, the utter lack of control over my own professional fate. The long months of job hunting that await me; the daily rejection, the loneliness; and the big one: how will I survive financially this time?

When I was let go before, in 2009, at the height of the recession, I received sympathy. As a two-time laid-off worker, I’ll be seen as a freeloading loser who can’t hold down a job.

And I’m sure there will be people who will rejoice in my layoff, human nature being what it is. But the only person who has any right to gloat would be the woman whose plagiarism I reported and was subsequently fired. Anyone else would be just being nasty.

And really, in this workplace, I’ve been kind and helpful to all; there has never been a time I’ve refused to do what was asked of me. Lotta good that did me, huh?

And once again, my future is being decided by a bunch of middle-aged white guys sitting in a room, men who’d never allow their children to be treated as they are treating us. That sucks.

Even if they did “repurpose” me to another position, I know that is merely a long, slow road to the exit. Whenever they move someone to a “special projects” position, what they are really saying is, “Don’t let the door hit you on the fanny on the way out.” They shifted one guy to four different positions until they finally fired him. It’s really more merciful to be let go immediately.

Now you may be wondering (or not), why not just ask what’s going on? Well, I tried that at my previous workplace. Not only didn’t I find out anything, I was severely reprimanded.

And who would I ask? The higher ups are not going to tell me anything, even if there were anything to tell. HR? No way, they are just tools for the organization.

I don’t see how I can avoid a layoff this time. At my previous job, I could justifiably argue that my experience, seniority and knowledge made me a good candidate to keep. (And how’d that work out for me?) This time, there are plenty of people with more seniority, knowledge and experience they would keep over me.

Nevertheless, I don’t regret taking the job. I had been out of work for 16 months and needed to get back into the game. I’ve learned a whole new industry and new skills. Whether that will help me get another job is a question that has yet to be answered.

So I will go into work Monday, not knowing how much longer I will be employed there. As workers, if we are not joyful in our workday, at least we can be content that we will accomplish our tasks to the best of our abilities, and that our work is appreciated by our bosses.

Not anymore. Instead, we go to work and enter a “Game of Thrones” episode. Who will be beheaded next?