Am I the Same Girl?

Recently, while scrolling the Internet, a headline caught my eye: “Being Unemployed Changes Basic Personality Traits.” It detailed a study documenting that long-term unemployment changes people’s personalities, in essence, making them less agreeable,

open and conscientious.

Wow, was my first thought. Second was, no poop, Sherlock. You need a study to tell you that?

Then I got to thinking about how my two stints as a long-term unemployed worker have changed me — for good and bad. It has, but not so much based on the benchmarks the researchers used.

For the good, the experience has definitely deepened my empathy and made me less likely to harshly judge other people. Everybody fights their own battles, whether public or private, and that makes them no different than me. I know of several friends and family members dealing with much more difficult circumstances than I am. So who am I to complain about not having a job when someone suffers from cancer?

As for conscientiousness, I know I have valiantly tried to find a job, despite near daily rejection, blatant age discrimination and outright rudeness. I have never given up. I’ve signed up for every freelance project offered to me, and have done them as competently as I’m able. Not exactly the image of a lazy, jobless worker many people subscribe to.

Nevertheless, the wrenching experience of two layoffs in four years, of going more than two years without a job since late 2009, constant financial worry, has extracted a heavy psychic toll. I cannot say it has changed my outward personality because I generally keep these feelings to myself. I don’t show it. I don't talk about it. Who would listen anyway? My rapidly dwindling circle of friends and family who don't give a crap about my problems?

But those feelings are there, like a low hum from an electrical machine I cannot turn off.

I have absolutely no self-confidence. I feel like a complete and utter failure. How else to explain why I was let go when others were kept on staff? How else to explain why so many others were hired for jobs I had every qualification for? I must be incompetent. I must be.

Just the other day I was told even though I was qualified for a job, someone else was the “perfect candidate” and hired instead. What a wonderful boost to my self-esteem! How am not supposed to feel useless and unemployable after that?

Even when I do receive a compliment, I can’t believe it. All I hear is, “I’m stupid and ugly.”

Yeah, I know how bad that sounds. That’s how I feel. Long-term unemployment will do that to you. Please don’t give me any pep talks. I’m beyond that.

Then there’s the whole loyalty thing. Oh, companies tout how loyal they are to their workers, but I seen the callous side of merciless corporate cost cutting. Twice — twice! — I’ve been led to a room, told the budget had to be cut, and therefore, my job was eliminated. Pack up your desk and leave. We don’t want you anymore.

I even witnessed a co-worker get laid off the day after she returned from cancer treatment.

After that, how am I supposed to feel loyalty toward any company or management? Any employee loyal to a corporation is just plain dumb in my opinion. Harsh? Yes, but think about that the next time you read an article about company XYZ laying off workers in the same numbers as World War I battle casualty totals.

The corporation doesn’t care about you, or your family. It only cares about the bottom line, and will sacrifice workers at the altar of corporate profits whenever necessary. No corporation is truly loyal to their workers, so why should workers be loyal to a company?

It’s why I’m definitely considering freelancing instead of taking a full-time job (albeit none has been offered to me yet).

So, yes, long-term unemployment has changed me. I’m not the same girl anymore.