PTLD

I’ve discovered a new psychiatric condition. It’s called Post Traumatic Layoff Disorder, PTLD for short. Perhaps the American Psychiatric Association or whoever classifies these things should look into it. Considering the masses of workers who have been laid off since 2009, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is suffering from PTLD.

I got the idea for this when I was talking to a friend about my recent apprehension about losing my job. She mentioned that it could be due to my previous layoff, similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Now before you start to howl that I’m being self-absorbed and silly (and you’d be right), I am not comparing PTLD to what soldiers go through when they come home from war, or what an accident victim feels after their trauma. What I am saying, is that anyone who has gone through a traumatic event, and losing one’s job for no good reason qualifies, is bound to be hypersensitive to the signs their job is in jeopardy.

You know, like when you hear two douchebag executives talk loudly about the “future of” your department. Then have an all-afternoon meeting on that topic.

Or when your new CEO has embarked on steady and systematic program of staff cuts and outsourcing. Or when you read an email about “budget cuts from on high.”

So, no, I don’t think I’m being paranoid or crazy (well, not completely). Putting all those elements together, I think it’s quite logical to assume the future of my division is being, at the very least, discussed and that a shutdown is certainly one possibility.

I even read an article recently that noted that people who are laid off from one job are highly susceptible to being laid off again. Something to do with being the last one hired, first one fired when companies make cutbacks. Also, the article speculates, workers who have been laid off are so desperate to find work they will take the first job that comes along, without really thinking if they are suited for it. That leaves them even more vulnerable to a layoff.

Now, it’s possible nothing will happen in my case. It’s possible the All White Males Club has tabled any discussion for a future date, leaving me in limbo for the foreseeable future.

So what can I do? Well, I’m trying to stay positive, or at least not be grumpy and negative to the people around me. I remain conscientious and committed to doing good work, even though I know that will not save my job.

I can only hope that my current bosses will not torture me for two months like my previous bosses did. That was heartless and unnecessary. They knew they were laying me off, why heap gratuitous cruelty on me in the meantime?

Yes, I can reach out to some contacts about the possibility of getting another job. But that’s a tricky endeavor.  Will there be a job waiting for me? Will they help at all? Or will they simply dismiss me with the typical, “Sorry, but good luck.”

Should I start clearing out my desk now? Ask if my job is being eliminated? Continue to wait and worry?

So dear readers, what do you think I should do?

Limbo

Still in limbo land.

Nothing to report on the job front. Today, I felt optimistic. Tomorrow, I may be kicked to the curb and depressed. Who knows?

It’s a day-to-day thing. Good one day, down the next. And it can turn on dime. You’d be shocked how fast you can go from a valued employee to invisible.

And I’m not sure there is any answer. In fairness, no manager is going to tell an employee he or she is going to be laid off until the day it happens. We might steal company secrets or raid the office supply closet (hmmmm….).

To be honest, even if I do keep this job, I’m not sure I want to stay. I’ve been through these successive rounds of company layoffs and restructurings. Eventually, it’s going to impact me. I’m nothing special. It would be naïve to think otherwise. Time to update the old resume. Jump before I'm pushed.

And I’m sick of trying to read the office tea leaves. All it does is give me stomach pains. Oh, the big boss said hello to me! I’m safe! Another boss complimented my work! I won’t be laid off! It doesn’t mean anything. Tomorrow, those same people could can me without an ounce of regret.

Then I think how the last time I was laid off, I went for root canal work at the dentist the night before. Just like I am tomorrow. Gulp! I’m a goner. (Yeah, I know that’s superstitious. But hey, I’m Italian. We’re superstitious people.)

So what can we do?

We wait, we worry and try to do the best we can. Living in limbo…

Again

Well, dear readers (all three of you…I sometimes wonder if more people show up for NY Mets games than read these words) I may soon live up to the title of this blog.

Yep, I may be laid off once again, and perhaps as early as this coming week.

You want signs? I’ll give you signs aplenty. Many closed down meetings among the All White Males Club, cryptic messages in an email about “budget cuts from on high,” and the real kicker…I overheard two of those White Males talk loudly about a meeting about the “future of” my department.

Now before you think I was being nosy, those comments were said loud enough for me to hear. If they wanted to keep it hush-hush, they should have kept their pie-holes shut.

When I asked my immediate boss if he knew anything about these meeting, he said he didn’t. More damning evidence that something is afoot and it’s not good. If it were something positive, he would have been involved.

It’s pretty obvious there are discussions about eliminating our department altogether, at the very least. Still I wonder, why our department? Why now?

Then the CEO sends an email Friday afternoon announcing the departure of one of our top executives (nice when you get another job and leave, never having to face the wreckage you’ve caused in other people’s lives). In it, he said there would more announcements next week about a restructuring in the company. Can’t wait.

Call me paranoid (and some have), but those are not good smoke signals. Cuts are coming and my gut feeling is it’s going to be bloody. My stomach is constantly in knots.

Now, I could be wrong. A friend said I was probably being “hyper-vigilant” because of my previous layoff, and she could be right. I could be misinterpreting all these signals. Perhaps nothing more that a rebranding of our department is in store.

It also doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll lose my job. At this company, they have a habit of shuffling people to other positions when their departments are shuttered. I may even get a promotion out of it!

Yeah, right, and I’m going to spend the rest of the summer lounging with George Clooney on the shores of Lake Como.

Even as I wrote those sentences, I know how foolish I sounded. I’m a goner; all that’s left is the “this has nothing to do with your work, it’s a business decision” speech, followed by “clean out your desk and leave.”

I have already brought home my office coffee cup.

And I’m not looking forward to it: The humiliation of cleaning out my desk while my former co-workers avert theirs eyes; the nastiness, the favoritism and backstabbing that goes into these decisions, the utter lack of control over my own professional fate. The long months of job hunting that await me; the daily rejection, the loneliness; and the big one: how will I survive financially this time?

When I was let go before, in 2009, at the height of the recession, I received sympathy. As a two-time laid-off worker, I’ll be seen as a freeloading loser who can’t hold down a job.

And I’m sure there will be people who will rejoice in my layoff, human nature being what it is. But the only person who has any right to gloat would be the woman whose plagiarism I reported and was subsequently fired. Anyone else would be just being nasty.

And really, in this workplace, I’ve been kind and helpful to all; there has never been a time I’ve refused to do what was asked of me. Lotta good that did me, huh?

And once again, my future is being decided by a bunch of middle-aged white guys sitting in a room, men who’d never allow their children to be treated as they are treating us. That sucks.

Even if they did “repurpose” me to another position, I know that is merely a long, slow road to the exit. Whenever they move someone to a “special projects” position, what they are really saying is, “Don’t let the door hit you on the fanny on the way out.” They shifted one guy to four different positions until they finally fired him. It’s really more merciful to be let go immediately.

Now you may be wondering (or not), why not just ask what’s going on? Well, I tried that at my previous workplace. Not only didn’t I find out anything, I was severely reprimanded.

And who would I ask? The higher ups are not going to tell me anything, even if there were anything to tell. HR? No way, they are just tools for the organization.

I don’t see how I can avoid a layoff this time. At my previous job, I could justifiably argue that my experience, seniority and knowledge made me a good candidate to keep. (And how’d that work out for me?) This time, there are plenty of people with more seniority, knowledge and experience they would keep over me.

Nevertheless, I don’t regret taking the job. I had been out of work for 16 months and needed to get back into the game. I’ve learned a whole new industry and new skills. Whether that will help me get another job is a question that has yet to be answered.

So I will go into work Monday, not knowing how much longer I will be employed there. As workers, if we are not joyful in our workday, at least we can be content that we will accomplish our tasks to the best of our abilities, and that our work is appreciated by our bosses.

Not anymore. Instead, we go to work and enter a “Game of Thrones” episode. Who will be beheaded next?