Every Day is Judgment Day

Not too long ago, I wrote about rejection fatigue. How the endless dismissal of my job applications eats away at my self-confidence and yes, soul.

That is still very much true. However, I’ve realized relentless professional rejection is not the

only slight damaging my soul and psyche. When job hunting, we expect rejection as part of the process. Nobody gets every job applied for, so we know going in there is a 50/50 chance we will not be chosen.

Yet underpinning rejection is something much more sinister — judgment. Think about it: Every time we submit a resume or fill out an application, we are being judged. Sometimes that judgment is fair; we simply don’t have the requisite experience or skills for the particular job. Other times, our rejection is based on one minor miscue — a wrong answer during an interview or a misspelling in our cover letter. Those judgments are painful, but at least we understand why we were rejected and can vow to do better the next time — if there is a next time.

It’s when we believe we were judged unfairly or harshly — or given no reason for the ultimate judgment and subsequent rejection — which gives us the most psychic pain. We ruminate, we judge ourselves severely, believing we did something terrible that justified our punitive treatment. In reality, we may not have done anything wrong, but it is so easy to fall down that slippery slope of self-doubt. It’s inevitable.

Not only during job hunts are we being judged. It’s also when we are, ahem, laid off. Unless an entire company or department goes belly up, management picks who stays — and who gets kicked to the curb. That, my dear friends, is a value judgment (oh, there’s that word again!). A manager has judged you to be less valuable, less of a worker, than another co-worker. That hurts, and leads us to question our abilities, especially since layoff decisions are typically opaque and we’re given no insight into why we were picked for the dung heap of joblessness while someone else was judged superior.

Judgment and its byproduct rejection also haunt every freelance assignment I do. Will the editor like the article? Will it be published? Or will it be judged inferior and rejected? Friends extol the benefits of positive thinking, to believe in myself. Yet without external validation or even occasional positive judgment, self-doubt corrodes my soul and obliterates my self confidence.

Even more frustrating is that these are mostly subjective judgments, not a test with a definitive right or wrong answer. This maddening situation has forced me to appreciate what actors and celebrities go through daily in our nosy Internet age. Not only are they judged on their work, but how they dress and rear their children. True, they are narcissistic media hogs, but sometimes all this attention and accompanying judgment must grate on them. I'm sure they want to shout, Hey, I worked 14 hours and had to stay up all night with a kid with an earache. Can't I just get a cup of coffee in peace! Nevertheless, many simply smile or put their heads down and soldier on – as we all must do in the face of constant judgment.

In my own life, I must admit ever since the consultant I had been working with divulged his douchelagoon client said we didn’t “click” during our one and only interview, I’ve been racking my delicate psyche for reasons why: What did I say that could have possibly turned him off? (He did most of the talking!) Was my work so much shoddier than the other freelancers? Why was I given the heave-ho from the project while they were kept on? I know this isn’t healthy, but without a clear reason, I can’t help but think the worst, to internalize all the tough judgments heaped on me. One editor slammed me for — gasp! horrors! — using passive voice and wordiness. Chill out, sister. You made minor changes in the first two graphs of a 1,000-word article and untouched the rest. Yet, even minor judgments carry harsh consequences.

Especially to my self esteem. Though I continue to look for a job and attempt to drum up freelance assignments, I have lost all confidence in my ability. Every article I write I judge as rotten.

If we are fortunate, we’re told why we were judged in a certain manner and can take positive steps to improve for the next opportunity. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get a second chance. A harsh, unfair and unexplained judgment stands.

I have yet to hear from that editorial consultant. Meanwhile, he has bestowed more assignments on those other two freelancers. One offhand comment was all it took for me to be judged inferior and unworthy of another chance.