Dear Friends & Family…Please Shut Up

Dear Friends & Family:

I’ve wanted to say something to you for the longest time, you know, ever since I was unceremoniously dumped from my job and thrust once again into the trash heap of long-term unemployment. It’s simply this: I know you mean well, but can you please stop with the

well-intended but sometimes silly advice, which is beginning to drive me batty.

It’s because I know you mean well that I haven’t—yet—snapped at you when you tell me to do something that a), I’ve already thought of but decided not to pursue (which is my right), and b) I’ve already tried what you advise and failed at it. I also know that if I even attempt to question the wisdom of your silly advice, you'll get all huffy and say a wounded, "Well, I was only trying to help." Yeah, because it's all about you. I can't win. All your constant nagging disguised as advice is doing is making me more stressed out.

Therefore, for the sake of family harmony and friendship, I’d like to offer you some advice on how to talk to a person who is unemployed and perhaps give a little insight into our state of mind.

It really isn’t about you. Yeah, we’ve all done it. Somebody comes to us, venting about this or that problem. Instead of just listening and letting the person have his or her say, we immediately launch into how we had a similar problem, how bad it was, how we did or didn’t solve it, etc. That, my dear friends, is narcissism, and we’re all guilty of it from time to time. In other words, we make it about ourselves, instead of the other person who is legitimately going through a tough time. Whenever a conversation takes this turn, I know the other person cares not a wit about me.

It’s why I rarely talk to people about my jobless status (except in this blog; if any reader is upset by my ramblings, they can watch a NY Mets game. Oh, wait…). I do this for your sake, dear friends and family, not mine. How dare I bum you out by being “negative” when all you want to do is talk about yourself. Go right ahead. I won’t stop you.

Perhaps this “advice” is coming from a good place. Perhaps you believe you can “fix” a problem that there may not be any fix to. Unless you can hire me for a full-time job (not bloody likely), you really cannot fix my problem. But I get it. You want to be the hero in somebody else’s life. So it really isn’t about me, is it?

My situation is not like your situation. Just because you were once unemployed doesn’t mean our situations are analogous. Yes, you were unemployed, but you were married or living with an employed partner, so you had another stream of income coming into the household. That makes a big difference. Maybe it was easier for you to find a job in your chosen profession than it is mine. So comparing your past situation to my current one is not comparable. So giving me advice based on your experience may not be applicable to me.

Even the time when you are unemployed makes a major difference. Back in 2009 when I was first laid off in the teeth of the Great Recession, I had the twin cushions of extended unemployed benefits and a fatter severance check. This time around, I don’t have those safety nets. Indeed, there are fewer programs to help the long-term unemployed now than there was when you lost your job. So, please, don’t compare your situation to mine. The two may be completely different.

What if I do what you advise…and fail? Again, we’ve all done this. Tried some harebrained scheme because a friend or family member badgered us into doing it…only to do an embarrassing face plant. We went kerplunk for many reasons: We weren’t into because it wasn’t something we truly wanted to try; we failed because it was something we weren’t very good at; we felt resentful being forced into something we had no interest in doing…the list could go on and on.

You get my drift. Unless a person truly wants to do something, then he or she is either not going to do, or try it and fail. I’m not saying a person shouldn’t try new things or take chances when times are dire. What I am saying is that the person has to make those choices of his or her own volition, not because someone hectored them into it.

Please understand as well that an unemployed person faces the prospect of failure every day…every time they send a resume and get rejected. So you do really want to strong arm that person into doing something that may only bring them more failure and rejection? It's easy to give advice when you're not the one putting their self-esteem on the line. Not that I have any objection to taking a risk; it's just that I need to carefully pick my spots lest I confront more failure and rejection.

Unemployed does not mean not working. I know the prevailing thought among red state politicians and employed people is that jobless people sit around all day, doing nothing, just picking up those unemployment checks.

I can’t speak for all jobless people, but I think I can speak for most: We ARE working, hard, at finding another job, picking up any and all freelance gigs, doing whatever we can to prop up our sagging finances. Let me remind you as well, that since Congress has decided against extending unemployment benefits, my payments ran out in August. So right now, I’m living off my savings (which has gotten me in hot water with my bank because I’ve transferred too much money between my savings and checking accounts. The nerve of me! Using my own money for my personal use!).

Every morning, I list the things I want to accomplish that day, whether it’s looking for a job, or completing a freelance assignment. I have followed up on any and all job leads, driven hours to job interviews, spent hours taking pre-employment tests I had no hope of passing, taken on freelance assignments (that I probably had no business saying yes to), waited and waited and am still waiting on payment for those jobs. There have been weeks when I have worked on the weekends to get my assignments completed. (To be honest, this week, I pulled back a bit because I have to take care of some medical issues.)

What has been my reward for this, yes, hard work? Nothing but rejection from potential employers and scorn from society. When did employed people become so smug? I really don’t know what I can do to make them understand how hard I’m trying and how difficult a situation I’m in at this time.

So how about being a little less judgmental? Please. That’s really all I and all other long-term unemployed people want. A little understanding of our individual situation and feelings, which leads me to…

Please don’t say, “Well, at least it got you out of the house.” More than any other phrase, this one irks me the most. Second only to: “They laid you off to save the company.” GAH!

My own sister said this to me recently when I told her I had taken a freelance gig in the city. I also had this insult hurled at me by a HR lady who mistakenly called me in for what I thought was a second interview. Nice, huh? Nothing like kicking a person when they’re already down.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Most of my friends are employed, so it’s unlikely I will meet them for lunch during the week. What I do on a freelance basis is mostly home-based, as is job hunting in the Internet Age. Where would I go? The mall? I can’t buy anything now.

My financial situation also makes trips far from home extremely unlikely. Heck, it’s even a stretch to pay for the $25 for gas to visit my sister in Pennsylvania. And what would the reaction be if, say, I jetted off to the Amalfi Coast? “Oh, she doesn’t have a job, but she goes to Italy. Must be great not to have a job. Guess she’s not doing so bad.”

I’d rather not hear it. It’s like I constantly have to defend myself. And it’s a little bit of damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I stay home to do assignments or apply for jobs online, then I stay at home too much. If I go out for a lunch with a friend or take a relaxing stroll around the mall on a Saturday, then I’m being lazy. I can’t win either way.

So, dear friends and family, all I’m asking is for a little understanding, a little time and space to figure out my new path in life, without being hassled by your useless advice—which is more about you than me.

Hey, I have to listen to you drone on and on about your insignificant work-related problems (at least you have a job!), or your trips to Europe. How do you think that makes me feel? Nevertheless, I listen politely and never interject any mention of my own sorry state. So how about returning the favor.

Please be assured I am well aware of my precarious financial and employment situation. It’s why I wake up at night with stomach pains, why I worry constantly about money. If I chose not to jabber endlessly about my dismal circumstances, it’s to spare you the unpleasantness of having to hear me talk about it, to be reminded that what happened to me could befall you or anyone.

Yet when I do talk about my jobless status (which isn’t often), can I ask that you do one thing for me: Shut up and listen.

Sincerely,

Jobless JerzeyGirl

PS: There is some advice I'll follow. Like the time a friend said I should drink wine so I could sleep better. That I can do. I prefer to drink alone, though, cause I'm just that kind of psychologically damaged.