Can unemployed people be friends with those who have a job? And can you still be friends with someone you used to work with after you’ve been laid off and that person still has a job at your former employer?
I’ve been thinking about that lately because I think a person who still works at the place I was discharged from wants to break off our friendship. Nothing concrete, just a vibe I’m getting.
This person was my second-in-command at the magazine I edited. I was her boss, but I always treated her with respect and never, ever raised my voice to her (which is more than I can say for the people who supervised me). We divided the work fairly between us, helped each out and got along quite well.
So much so that after I was laid off, she suggested we meet for lunch. She lives close to me, so it wasn’t a problem for us to get together on a Saturday afternoon for a meal. We’d meet about once a month.
Yet the last time we met, when she said goodbye, she didn’t suggest getting together again. I’ve sent her two emails, but she has not responded in nearly a month.
Now, I know I sound a bit overly sensitive, even paranoid. She is probably busy with other things in her life. But what would it take to respond to an email?
Yes, we would talk about my former place of employment. She’s even volunteered some juicy office gossip, which I’m careful not to spread.
Perhaps she got sick of hearing me whine about being laid off and my jobless state. Does she feel guilty about being kept on while I was kicked to the curb? She shouldn’t. Layoff decisions are nearly always capricious and illogical. And I’ve never suggested she should have been laid off instead of me. None of us should have lost our jobs. But she may have perceived it that way. I never meant to imply that and if I did, I sincerely apologize.
Worse, does she think my layoff was justified, that I was a bad worker/boss?
She probably thinks I should just shut up about it. But I didn’t talk about my feelings that much with her. Yet the impression I got was that she didn’t want to hear it and that she never fully understood why I felt so bad about getting laid off. People never think getting laid off is a big deal...until it happens to them. However, if she thought about it, what happened to me, and so many people I worked with at that wretched place, could conceivably be her fate. I’m a reminder that no job is secure, and she may not want to face that fact.
Maybe I was wrong to think we could continue a friendship after I was laid off. I sometimes think it’s better if a whole company or department gets the boot. That way, there’s a sense of camaraderie among the laid-off workers. You don’t feel singled out. Everybody got the ax, so there was no possibility of favoritism.
When some are laid off and others are kept, well, it leads to an inequality and the inevitable “Why me?” question that can corrode even the best of office friendships.
So, I wish her well. I really don’t know how she feels, so I can’t make assumptions. If she wants to see me, she can get in touch with me. If not, so be it. I’m not reaching out again. Getting professional rejection is quite enough, thank you very much; no need to court personal snubs.
Perhaps it’s better this way. In a sense, keeping in touch with her kept me emotionally tethered to that horrid place. I need to break all connections with what was an extremely painful experience in my life and move on.
I also think I’m feeling slighted by her lack of communication because my list of friends has dwindled. Both my sisters live out of state. Another friend moved West a year ago. I have two other close friends that live nearby, but one is always busy and the other has been homebound by a recent back surgery. So losing her friendship is a bit upsetting to me.
I further wonder if unemployed and employed people can ever be friends. Is the gulf between us too wide? I hear a lot of employed people tell me how busy they are, implying that jobless people are lazy, that we whine too much. (Or am I being defensive?) Hey, it’s not whining if you have something to whine about, and losing a job falls into that category.
My answer to that is simple and twofold: We would surely help you out if your boss, or any company, would hire us. We want to work as much as they want the assistance. After all, we weren’t the morons-in-charge who thought slashing jobs was a good idea.
Employed people should also remember that none of us left our jobs voluntarily. We were laid off. We did not choose to be unemployed. Yeah, we love being broke and treated like lepers by the rest of society.
And just for the record: I have never asked anyone for money. I have too much respect for my friends—and myself—to ever do that. I'm not a freeloader.
Meanwhile, the people I used to work with got raises and Christmas bonuses.
Now, apparently, those of us who made those things at least partially possible because our salaries were eliminated don’t even rate their friendship.
But tell me. How do your employed friends treat you?
I think if you are questioning whether or not your employment status is a factor in your friendship with someone indicates that you the person is probably not that good of a friend to begin with. It definitely sucks for sure, especially since you've indicated that you rarely whined about your situation. Yet, a real friend should be someone you can whine to about this.
ReplyDeleteI think a friendship can still be maintained if there is a common ground in something other than the job, that way the job situation isn't discussed as often. But it's still unavoidable sometimes, like when I occasionally join my employed friends for an after-work drink and I now opt for free water and don't have much to add to their conversations. At times I do feel left out and bummed out that I can no longer afford that overpriced martini.
It's tricky sometimes, for sure, but I try not to let it be the defining point of my friendships if possible. And for the most part, that's worked out for the people that counted.