Bad Anniversary

One year ago today, I was laid off from my job. Not an anniversary I ever wished to commemorate, but the day has come.

December 3 was the day I was told to pack up my desk and leave after toiling for more than 16 years with the same company. December 7 is the day I officially began my unemployment. Talk about a day that will live in infamy!

Did I ever think I would still be unemployed for a year? Given the ongoing recession and the difficulty of getting hired in the publishing industry, no, I can’t say I’m surprised. Saddened, but not surprised.

I’m sure not alone. Just the other day I went to a family gathering, and nearly everyone I talked to spoke of a friend or neighbor who had been laid off from his or her job after decades of employment at a company.

I’ve lived during periods of recession before this, but I was employed. I would only read about massive layoffs and not think much of it. How could I have been so uncaring? I wasn’t smug (as some I encounter now are). It just didn’t touch me personally, so it wasn’t something on the top of my mind. Never again will I be so cavalier. After having been through a layoff, I have only empathy for those who have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.

In this past year, I’ve experienced myriad emotions: anger, frustration, unhappiness, insecurity, self-doubt, disappointment, fear, sadness, rejection, dejection, overwhelmed, hurt, depression, confusion, anxiety, shame, resentment, embarrassment, boredom, sadness, loneliness and, yes, I hate to admit, self-pity (not good, I know). So many emotions…and way too much time to think about them.

I sometimes want to cry. But I don’t, because I know if I start, the tears will never stop. I don’t sleep well and the circles under my eyes have gotten darker. I get upset over silly things that I know are unimportant. I’m more irritable: Were there so many bad drivers out there before I got laid off? And don’t get me started on the sound of Christmas carols!

I suppose that is all part of what a person goes through when he or she loses a job.

It hits me hardest in the morning, just after I open my eyes to the grainy gray light of pre-dawn. I start asking myself questions that I will never get an answer to: Why was I let go while others stayed? Was I a bad employee? Will I ever find a job again? What will I do when my unemployment runs out and I still have no job? How long will my savings last? What will happen when my COBRA benefits expire and I still have no job? How can I ever pay for health insurance on my own?

Over and over in my mind I think about all the mistakes I made—big and small—and wonder if that was why I was terminated. Could I have done anything differently that would have saved me from the ax?

But I know that it is torture to think that way. I will never know why I was let go. All I know is that I have to deal with the situation as it is, no matter how painful.

What’s most destructive about unemployment is what it does to a person’s sense of self worth. One day, I was, or thought I was, a competent professional woman, commuting to the city, and supporting herself. But within a dizzying short period of time, I become an unemployed loser that no one wants to hire. It’s amazing how swiftly one’s fortunes can change.

I took pride in my ability to do my job competently. Although I don’t have a family of my own, I was always proud of the fact that could support myself as a single woman. Not anymore. Those feelings of assurance in my skill to do a job and status in life are gone, possibly forever.

I remember how my bosses began to treat me differently about two months before I was laid off. It was so sudden it was truly shocking. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t find another job quickly. But I also knew if I slacked off my situation would be made even worse. And I thought that maybe, just maybe if I kept doing a good job in the face of their nastiness, I wouldn’t be let go. What an idiot I was to think that! Nothing would have saved me.

I don’t know if I will ever feel secure in my professional abilities again. At the very least, it’s going to take quite a while to restore my self-confidence. As much as I hope to get a job, I can’t help but wonder if I will succeed at a new position. Will I fail or get callously laid off at the first hint of a revenue shortfall?

Yes, I admit I’m bitter. Get used to it. People tell me I shouldn’t feel that way and that I should just get over it and move on. That I’ll never get another job unless I stop being negative. Well, that’s easier said than done. I am trying, really, but a big part of “getting over it” would be to get a job and that hasn’t materialized yet.

“Oh, you’ll find something” is a common comment from my employed friends. But after a year of looking and dimming hopes of ever getting a job, it’s becoming harder and harder to believe that.

And did you ever notice the people who tell you such things are employed? Unless you’ve been laid off, you can’t understand how someone who has been does feel and what that individual has been through, the rejection and isolation we’ve experienced firsthand.

I recently spoke to former colleague who, like me, was laid off from the company I used to work for after a decade. He is doing fine, getting a lot of freelance work. (He is also semi-retired and gets Social Security payments. I’m not in that position.) But he said that while he is over what happened to him, he still sometimes wonders why he was laid off in such a cruel manner. The sting of a layoff stays with a person for a long, long time, maybe forever.

When I first laid off, I had three goals: freelance (which I have done, albeit even getting a freelance gig is tough); try to get a job in publishing/journalism; and if that didn’t work out, I would look into another profession altogether.

Since I didn’t get my first call for a job interview until six months after I was laid off, I really didn’t have a solid idea of whether I could be employed in publishing or journalism. Since June, I’ve gone on a number of interviews that, while they have yet to yield a job offer, have given me valuable insight into what positions I would be considered qualified to fill. After all, if I’m called in to speak to the HR person or supervisor, they must see something in my resume that piqued their interest, right?

To be fair, there have been a few encouraging signs. Two acquaintances recently got hired after long periods of unemployment. Maybe the job market is loosening up a bit. One can only hope. But one can live on hope for only so long. The longer I stay unemployed, the more difficult it will be for me to get hired again. (More on that later.)

And I don’t feel jealous when I heard of someone else’s success or good fortune in getting in a job. Just wistful for something I thought I once had.

Despite what some may think, unemployed people really do try hard to find a job. In the past year, I’ve sent out an average of two resumes a day. Sometimes more. I’ve reached out to contacts (which yielded me my freelance gig, but not much else). I follow up aggressively on any job lead (without being a stalker). I even paid $300 to get my resume professionally written. Considering the rejection I’ve experienced and how badly I was treated at my previous job, I’ve been admirably persistent. I haven’t given up. Not sure I can say the same a year from now if I still don’t have a job.

And please, let’s debunk the myth that unemployed people are somehow to blame for their predicament. What is most frustrating is the lack of control we had over our job loss. Our fates were decided behind closed doors by the whims of those above us who were more concerned with saving themselves and their cronies. We had no say in the matter, yet we must deal with the consequences of falling revenues and a bad economy.

More and more I’m getting the feeling companies in my field want someone younger for the lowest possible salary. Rather than an experienced journalist and editor, they want a tech whiz who can code copy and simply aggregate content from other sources. Or they want to hire only those who have gone to an Ivy League university. It’s hard not to get discouraged.

Yet we must stay positive! Follow our dreams! (Please note sarcasm in those comments.)

I’ve avoided talking too much about my feelings with family and friends. Except for one minor tiff with my sister, I’ve been restrained in my whining. Besides, people don’t want to hear about your problems; they only want to talk about theirs. Why bother?

So I put on a brave face and don’t talk much about my jobless plight. I keep my true feelings to myself and my blog, where if someone is reading this, he or she can simply go to another web page. And I’m not so self-absorbed that I believe my problems trump everyone else’s. Even when going through a time of personal turmoil, it’s good for the soul to lend an ear to someone else’s troubles.

Mostly, it’s sad to think a career I’ve spend more than 20 years building could now be over because I’ve reached what is deemed by some corporate bean counter a too-high salary level. Or because I don’t know some computer program that I could easily learn if trained properly.

I can’t say I’m optimistic, but I’m not pessimistic either. Realistic is more like it. Getting job interviews is a double-edged sword. It’s great to be called in and it’s hard not to get your hopes up and think, Wow, I could really work for this company. But those hopes are soon dashed when you wait weeks and hear nothing, or get the “we’ve decided to pursue other candidates” email.

I’ve even done some Internet research into who was picked over me. In several instances, I have to admit the person had more of the specialized expertise or background the company was looking for that I lacked. Other times it’s obvious they went with the cheaper candidate (although I’m willing to take a pay cut). But I can say with assurance that I could have done every job (except for one) I interviewed for. Now if I can only get someone to believe that!

Now it may be time to think of another professional avenue. What that is, I cannot say at this time. Perhaps my next step is to the local job center to see what training is available for me.

I have not given into hopelessness and despair. Yet.

It’s been a tough year, what with a job loss, health scare and continual professional rejection.

Here’s hoping for a better 2011 for all of us looking for merely the chance to work.

But when this is all over and I have a job (I hope!), I’m still gonna want to smack my former bosses in the face for putting me through this terrible time.