Trying to be Positive in a Negative Time

I was chatting with a good friend a few weeks ago, and of course, the subject of my unemployed status came up. Tedious, I know. I wish it weren’t so.

In essence, she told me to remember that I’m more than any job I do; that I’m a good person whether employed or not. Life is good! Be happy! You’re never fully dressed without a smile!

I nodded in agreement, but what I really wanted to say was, “Oh, yeah, I’ll remember that when I’m homeless and living on the street in my own feces.” No, I didn’t say that to her. She was trying to be nice and meant well, so I didn’t think it was the proper time to be snarky. (And boy oh boy, can I bring on the snark when I want.)

Try as I might and after reading many self-help treatises on staying positive in negative situations, I struggle on a daily basis to overcome the negative emotions brought on by job loss, the second in four years.

Going back to what my friend said: It’s true we should never wrap out entire self-image in our job and paycheck. We’d like to think our family and friends love us because we are good, kind people. And we are, no matter what some pinheaded former boss thinks of us.

Nevertheless, it’s equally true that our self-worth derives at least in part from out ability to use our skills and training to provide for our families and ourselves. When that is taken away from us, the terra firma we thought we stood on is shaken, if not by a full-on earthquake, then by an unsettling tremor. I always took pride in my ability to do a job well and support myself. Not anymore.

It’s easy for me to tell myself that I’ll get a job tomorrow, to be positive and confident; only to get the dreaded “we’ve decided to go with another candidate” email that feels like a sucker-punch to the gut.

Occasionally, I’ll read some plausible advice; like the article that instructed on how to frame difficult situations. For example, before I go to a job interview, instead of thinking, “Oh, I’ll never get hired for this job (yeah, I know),” I should think about how this is an opportunity to get a new job, learn new skills and perfect my job interview skills. I shouldn’t make it an all-or-nothing proposition (I get the job or not), but rather an opportunity. Even if I fail, I will have learned something in the process. I can do that.

I also read much about “living in the now.” Essentially, that means to forget about the painful past, which only makes you depressed, and stop thinking about a hazy future that has yet to materialize. That only makes you anxious. All you have is now, so make the best of it.

I understand that concept, somewhat. Yes, you can take small snippets of joy in daily life, like a leisurely walk on a lovely spring day or laughing when you hear a young boy cutely sassing his mother in the grocery store. But those are mere blips in a life that is overshadowed by stress, rejection and loneliness. In other words, those peaceful “now” moments last only until I do my monthly bills and the reality of my dire financial situation stares back at me.

Please understand that I do not whine incessantly about my jobless status to friends and family. Just the opposite; I rarely talk about it. As the sign says, if I can't be positive all the time, at least I keep my mouth shut and don't talk about my increasingly hopeless life.

When I do, I keep it to a minimum and within a small, select group. Their response is the typical “You’ll find a job. Everything will be fine.” blather. What else can they say? In truth, if the roles were reversed, I would spout the same banal sentiments. Yet every time they repeat those silly platitudes I can almost read their minds and I know what they are thinking: “Phew! Thank God I have a job and I’m not as bad off as her.”

I also think it’s unrealistic to expect me or anyone who has been unemployed for a long stretch to be happy and positive all the time. Why can society at large acknowledge our precarious predicament? Why is that so hard? Instead, we’re treated with scorn and receive no help.

Just yesterday, the priest at my church gave a sermon on how we can’t expect life to always be a bed of roses; that bad things are going to happen no matter what we do or how good we may be. That living in a world were we only seek out the “positive” and completely deny the negative is a false utopia, and what we learn from bad times is resiliency.

In other words, shit happens and you have to deal with it (although Father George didn't use that exact phrase). Yet our society expects, demands, that we be happy at all times, in all circumstances. Utterly ridiculous and quite possibly psychologically damaging.

I agree with most of what the priest said, except the resiliency part. I fail to see how losing job after job, my financial security, and possibly becoming homeless makes me a better person and more resilient. All these nicks and cuts do is damage my soul.

I really don’t see a future right now. Or I don’t try to think too far ahead. But this I know: In mere weeks my unemployment benefits will end and all I’ll have to live on are my meager savings and some puny freelance assignments. How long do you think that is going to support me? I’m working on a Plan B, but it’s nothing solid and I don’t want to discuss it now. (Don’t worry. It’s nothing illegal…yet.)

As for today, I will finish this blog post, eat my lunch and take a walk. Tomorrow, I will send out resumes. I may get a call for a job interview; I may not. I may get another email informing me my candidacy for a particular job will not be pursued. That’s my “now.” What? You were expecting me to jet off to the Amalfi Coast?

I will try to be positive in my negative situation. And if anyone has any advice, I’m open to all suggestions.

The biggest positive boost I can think of? Getting a job!!!!