Illusions

A while back I wrote of how different this job search appeared from the last time I was laid off in late 2009, when it took me 16 months to find another job.

And I use the word “appear” deliberately because, as my job search has stretched from a winter of discontent and heaps of snowfall to a chilly, rainy (almost) spring, I’m beginning to think my hope of securing employment within a reasonable time period (six months, say) or even of ever getting a job again are mere illusions. Obviously, I was fooled by being called in for interviews so soon after I started looking for another job. Nothing has changed, really. It's like believing the NY Mets will have a winning season after an above-500 April. (Hey, guys, home plate won't give you cooties.) Pretty soon, it all reverts to the mean, and in my case, that means a long, tedious, rejection-filled job search.

I send out at least two résumés a day. I go on every interview I’m called for; I pursue every opportunity, freelance or full-time, aggressively. Heck, I’ve even ventured to employment agencies, something I vowed I would never do again. Has any of this netted me a job? Nope.

Sometimes the interviews go well, sometimes, they don’t. Sometimes someone is hired with less experience than me, sometimes, with more. There are obvious times when the company hired a recent grad just so they can pay them a meager wage. To be clear, I’m asking for a reasonable salary that is commensurate (and possibly below) my experience. For some firms, that’s fine. Others, not so much: In one instance, when I told the interviewer my salary requirement, he nearly gagged.

After I was laid off in 2009 and spent 16 months out of work, I knew I had to take a pay cut to get another job. And I did...my former job paid me $15,000 less in annual salary than my former former workplace. Even after raises, I was still making $12,000 less than I did at my previous job.

It’s also becoming increasingly obvious that to get work, I may have to take a freelance and/or contract job with no benefits. Or work (again) for a low salary. Oh, and did I mention that in some instances those jobs entail being verbally abused by co-workers and bosses? Nice, huh?

As my quixotic job hunts nears the six-month mark—the mark at which I officially become one of the long-term unemployed, thereby less and less attractive to potential employers—questions and self-doubt seep into my psyche. I wish I were one of those people who think they’re “great” and “awesome.” I can’t, especially when every job rejection is just another reminder of how inept I’ve become. Never something I had in great reserve, my self-confidence is nonexistent. No amount of pep talks and positive thoughts are going to change that, particularly at this time, as I endure yet another long stretch of joblessness. I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.

You might be thinking, oh, why doesn’t she take any job? Hey, I would…if I could get a job offer!!! Prevailing sentiment seems to be that unemployed people are pond scum, we must take any job offered, for whatever low salary, and we have no right to basic human dignity. When did employed people become so haughty? Hate to point out that a sudden job loss can happen to any of us.

Am I too old to ever gain full-time employment again? Is my career over? Am I incompetent? I fear the answer to all those questions is yes.

If that is so, what are my options? Do I have any other options? Did I do the right thing...or have I done everything wrong?

For if my career is over, that is something I need to mourn and take time to process. I also have to figure out what my next step will be. That takes time, too.

Do I give up completely? Or do I continue to attempt to jump through the ridiculous hoops employers put us through just to get a job? I've spent days doing take-home tests, only to be told "we've gone with another candidate." Or I get no response at all.

Do I persevere in the face of the discrimination HR people have against laid-off workers? How do I fight the subtle-but-not-so-subtle ageism in hiring practices?

But for now, I have to stop living in an illusion.