The Right to Say No

A few weeks ago, I declined two freelance jobs.

Granted, these jobs were low-paying and just so you don’t think I was being a lazy bum, I was juggling several other freelance assignments at the time. I honestly could not take on

more assignments. Still can’t, at least not now.

Nevertheless, saying no was a major step for me. When I first started on this freelance journey, I said yes to every assignment, only to find myself working seven days a week with no social life (nonexistent as it is) and getting stressed out. I soon realized that is no way to live, no matter how much I needed the money. I wasn’t doing myself any favors, nor would I be an asset to the companies if I turned in sloppy work or missed a deadline because I was frazzled or doing too much at the same time.

So I thought hard and long, and said no, which is never easy for me. I was raised to be a “good girl,” to do everything everybody wanted, expected and asked of me, whether family, friends or bosses. I believed if I said “yes” to everything, acted nice, and worked really, really hard, people would like me and I wouldn’t get laid off.

How’d that work out for me, eh? I’ve been laid off twice and repeatedly stabbed in the back by work colleagues.

Now, with the perspective of age and two painful layoffs, I realize I do have the right to say no, to pick where and with whom I work and for what compensation.

Companies possess the right to hire, fire and lay off workers with no explanation given. What they fail to realize is that workers have the same right to choose their workplace.

I understand the needs of companies change over time, and staffing levels reflect that. (Yeah, two layoffs in four years kinda taught me that.) Going back to those freelance jobs I declined, in one instance, after submitting several assignments to the company, I was told they had enough and wouldn’t require my services anymore. In the other, the company was undergoing a reorganization of their freelance staff, so I had no way of knowing I would be retained. (Reorganization is a code word for “layoffs.”)

Again, I wasn’t upset. Freelancing is inherently unstable, and companies remain free to cast off workers without any explanation.

But it’s also true that I have rent and bills to pay. I simply moved on to other paying jobs. The heck with them.

So I was a bit surprised when I was asked if I wanted to work for them again. I politely told both that I could not because I had other freelance assignment on my desk. One lady understood and said to contact her when I was free to do assignments for her. I might. The other guy never responded to my email.

I was also a bit amused by their requests. Didn’t it occur to them I took other assignments? Just as they rejected me, don’t I have the same right to decline their offer — or take another job?

Our society has, I believe, a rather warped perception of laid-off workers. We’re considered unemployable losers — even though we did nothing to merit our termination. We must take any job offered, without any consideration to whether we want the job or not. 

Contrast to that to someone who quits their job with no new job lined up to “find themselves.” They’re considered brave — they stuck it to the corporation and are viewed as free spirits — even though they may have made a really bad decision. Leaving a job with no job in hand is never justified unless you are being harassed or the job is severely impacting your health and wellbeing. Merely being unhappy at work or believing the job is beneath you is never a good reason to quit without simultaneously landing your next  — hopefully better — job.  

Likewise, someone who is fired gets sympathy, yet their firing may have been perfectly justified by poor work performance or some stupid or unethical action on their part.

No so with laid-off workers. Tossed aside by corporate cost cutting, our futures decided in some closed-door meeting of the All White Males Club, and perpetually rejected by prejudiced HR departments, we sometimes feel as if we have no free will at all.

Saying no returns some free will and yes, power to us laid-off workers. At least for one brief moment we don’t feel like Miss Colombia, the Fredo of beauty contestants.

Of course, there may come a time when my financial situation dictates I must take whatever lousy job offered. I haven’t reached that point. Yet. I'm self-aware enough to admit to my folly.

I simply don’t buy the belief I have no free will. I have the right to decide with whom I want to work — jerks need not apply. Just as companies low-ball workers on salaries, I’ll grab the highest paying jobs.

And I have the right to say no.

Every Day is Judgment Day

Not too long ago, I wrote about rejection fatigue. How the endless dismissal of my job applications eats away at my self-confidence and yes, soul.

That is still very much true. However, I’ve realized relentless professional rejection is not the

only slight damaging my soul and psyche. When job hunting, we expect rejection as part of the process. Nobody gets every job applied for, so we know going in there is a 50/50 chance we will not be chosen.

Yet underpinning rejection is something much more sinister — judgment. Think about it: Every time we submit a resume or fill out an application, we are being judged. Sometimes that judgment is fair; we simply don’t have the requisite experience or skills for the particular job. Other times, our rejection is based on one minor miscue — a wrong answer during an interview or a misspelling in our cover letter. Those judgments are painful, but at least we understand why we were rejected and can vow to do better the next time — if there is a next time.

It’s when we believe we were judged unfairly or harshly — or given no reason for the ultimate judgment and subsequent rejection — which gives us the most psychic pain. We ruminate, we judge ourselves severely, believing we did something terrible that justified our punitive treatment. In reality, we may not have done anything wrong, but it is so easy to fall down that slippery slope of self-doubt. It’s inevitable.

Not only during job hunts are we being judged. It’s also when we are, ahem, laid off. Unless an entire company or department goes belly up, management picks who stays — and who gets kicked to the curb. That, my dear friends, is a value judgment (oh, there’s that word again!). A manager has judged you to be less valuable, less of a worker, than another co-worker. That hurts, and leads us to question our abilities, especially since layoff decisions are typically opaque and we’re given no insight into why we were picked for the dung heap of joblessness while someone else was judged superior.

Judgment and its byproduct rejection also haunt every freelance assignment I do. Will the editor like the article? Will it be published? Or will it be judged inferior and rejected? Friends extol the benefits of positive thinking, to believe in myself. Yet without external validation or even occasional positive judgment, self-doubt corrodes my soul and obliterates my self confidence.

Even more frustrating is that these are mostly subjective judgments, not a test with a definitive right or wrong answer. This maddening situation has forced me to appreciate what actors and celebrities go through daily in our nosy Internet age. Not only are they judged on their work, but how they dress and rear their children. True, they are narcissistic media hogs, but sometimes all this attention and accompanying judgment must grate on them. I'm sure they want to shout, Hey, I worked 14 hours and had to stay up all night with a kid with an earache. Can't I just get a cup of coffee in peace! Nevertheless, many simply smile or put their heads down and soldier on – as we all must do in the face of constant judgment.

In my own life, I must admit ever since the consultant I had been working with divulged his douchelagoon client said we didn’t “click” during our one and only interview, I’ve been racking my delicate psyche for reasons why: What did I say that could have possibly turned him off? (He did most of the talking!) Was my work so much shoddier than the other freelancers? Why was I given the heave-ho from the project while they were kept on? I know this isn’t healthy, but without a clear reason, I can’t help but think the worst, to internalize all the tough judgments heaped on me. One editor slammed me for — gasp! horrors! — using passive voice and wordiness. Chill out, sister. You made minor changes in the first two graphs of a 1,000-word article and untouched the rest. Yet, even minor judgments carry harsh consequences.

Especially to my self esteem. Though I continue to look for a job and attempt to drum up freelance assignments, I have lost all confidence in my ability. Every article I write I judge as rotten.

If we are fortunate, we’re told why we were judged in a certain manner and can take positive steps to improve for the next opportunity. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get a second chance. A harsh, unfair and unexplained judgment stands.

I have yet to hear from that editorial consultant. Meanwhile, he has bestowed more assignments on those other two freelancers. One offhand comment was all it took for me to be judged inferior and unworthy of another chance. 

Go Back to the One Who Dumped You?

Sometimes things happen in the world that astound me. Endless wars, terrorist beheadings,

illness, hysteria over illness, political sniping that accomplishes nothing. And all we seem to care about is the ample, well-oiled rump of a dumb-cluck reality star. Has the entire universe gone bug-eyed crazy?

Things happen closer to home and my reality that make me shake my head in sheer bafflement as well. Like just yesterday I learned through the wonder that is social media (hey, it’s good for some things) that a woman I worked with at my former former company, who’d been laid off nine months before I was, has been hired again…by my former former company, the same one that — let me repeat — laid her off in 2009!

What the what? At times like these I hear the exasperated, plaintive whine of Tim McCarver: “What is going on here?” Has the entire world gone to Hades in a hand basket?

Since I’ve lost all contact with anyone who works at my former former company, I have no way of knowing what machinations went into this bewildering decision. Did she approach her former bosses, or did they approach her? Is my former former company, which has recently been sold, in solid enough financial shape to hire more staff? 

I do know that the laid-off/hired-again woman had fallen on hard times since her termination nearly five years ago. Was she that desperate for a job that she went back to the one who dumped her?

I truly wish her well, and hope my former former bosses treat her properly. She has a heart of gold. Now, I could say some rather unflattering things about her, but…

Oh, what the heck? No names here, right? It’s my blog and I’ll dish if I want to.

My overall impression of her, and I apologize in advance for my sexism here, is that she is, well, a bit of a ditz. She seemed more interested in coming into work and talking with her friends on the phone than in doing her job. She’s a party girl who has yet to realize that her particular party ended in 1983.

I also know that she slept with the sleazy drunk who oversaw the sales department at my former former company as well as another salesman, both married with young children. I know she clashed with the head of the company, a despicable, drunken bully — as most of us did at one time or another while under his nasty siege. She was none too happy the day she was laid off. I was there and overheard her wail to her former lover over her termination. He acted like she wasn’t there. He ignored her. Now, she wants to go back to that place? To work for that same guy? She deserves better than that.

Again, I like this lady. She was always nice to me and I to her. Her personal choices, however misguided, are just that — her personal choices. This is not to judge (too much), but to make an observation.

It also makes me wonder how well she will do in her “new” job, which is essentially the same as the “old” job she had before her layoff. The industry, the players, the entire landscape have shifted immensely in five years. Can she still do the job? A job she wasn’t all that great at five years prior? Has the employment market tightened so much that there wasn’t another, more qualified person to do that job?

I must point here that it's not unheard of that a company rehires a laid-off employee on a freelance or contract basis. Both my former former company and former company did just that. The company lessens the heavy burden (please note touch of sarcasm here) of having to pay that employee a full-time salary plus benefits, while at the same time retaining that person's knowledge and skills. It's pretty diabolical when you think about it.

Heck, even my former former workplace offered me a freelance assignment after my layoff. However, I think it was a one-time peace offering after I reported plagiarism by one of the esteemed (low paid ) editors they kept on staff over me. I also couldn't take it because I was just about to start the job at my former company. Which makes me think: Is this a full-time or contract position this lady is now taking? Of all the former staff members my former former company drop-kicked off a high ledge, they take back her? I can think of at lease half a dozen former co-workers (not including me) more deserving of a second chance than that airhead.

Then the more I thought about this situation, the more it makes perfect sense. It speaks to how personal and professional rejection warps our psyches and leads us into disastrous, incomprehensible decisions.

How many times after a lover has dumped us or a company has terminated us have we thought of only getting that person back, of getting our old job back. We’ve been tossed asunder, unmoored from the life we thought we had, our self-esteem ripped to shards of broken glass, never to be pieced together again. That is until we get that person/job back. “Oh, he/she will come back to me. He/she will realize what a mistake they made.”

Except…they don’t. And it’s good they don’t. That’s because our self-worth is not, or should never be, dependent on another person or a job. That person may leave you. Your company may dismiss you. What then? Does that mean you are a bad person? A bad worker?

Yet we scamper frantically after those shattered pieces of our self-esteem, collecting our sense of self, hoping to put them in our pocket, and with a tap, think, "Ah, it's all better now." Rather we should stand in place and watch those shiny bits undulate away with the capricious breeze. We cannot change what has happened. That part of our life is over. Better to move on and build anew.

Admittedly, I struggle with this on a daily basis. After too numerous-to-count personal and professional rejections, I sometimes feel I have no self-confidence left, that everything I do is horrible, I have no talent, everyone is better than me, that I’m ugly…okay, let’s stop there. Rejection can crush a soul.

Yet I instinctively know that pleading “take me back, please!” smacks of desperation that only reinforces the cruel narcissism of the person/company that dumped me. Getting that lover/job back will not heal the pain or make me whole again. That can only come from me. (On the other hand, believing no one could never not love us or that every piece of work we produce is perfect is another form of narcissism.)

Nevertheless, I can certainly understand why my former co-worker went back to the company that spurned her. She was sinking and grasped at the first rescue rope tossed into the water before her. Will it make her whole again? Will she get back to the life she once had, or hoped to have? I don’t know. She thinks she’s entering familiar territory but is she? So much has changed in five years…The business has changed and so has she.

Since I know the players in this rather bizarre re-coupling, I can make a few assumptions about why my former former bosses hired her back as well. It’s not because she was a great salesperson, although I can say with assurance she will not be sleeping (regularly) anymore with her former boss. She has moved to another state to take the job. The position is commission based, so I doubt they are paying her much in the way of a base salary. Always a concern for those cheap bastards.

No, I think they wanted someone they could control, somebody who wouldn’t question or challenge their ginned-up authority, somebody they could use as an easy whipping post. A happy-hour gal they could have drinks with and mistreat with nary a worry about her fighting back. Sounds too cruel to be true? You don’t know those men like I do. Never would those black hearts do anyone a kindness if it didn't benefit them first. At the very least, they are taking advantage of her desperation for a job. And can she ever be sure they won't terminate her job again?

Will this on/off-now-on-again business (personal?) relationship work? For her sake, and only for her sake, I hope it does. Unfortunately, a cursory reading of any pop psychology book on relationships affirms that on again/off-again pairings eventually fail. Oh, sure, the couple gets back together. But after the initial happiness, relief and stupendous makeup sex fades, the couple realizes the reasons for their breakup are still very much duking it out in the messy, overlapping he/she terrain of relationships, waiting to explode again at any minute, like a grenade whose pin has yet to be pulled.  

So if I had to venture a guess, I’m thinking this re-pairing will crater in about six months, after my former former bosses realize this woman cannot reach the impossible revenue goals they set for her. She couldn’t before, so why now? She, meanwhile, will realize she can’t handle the pressure (she couldn’t before), and acting the (aging) good-time girl is no guarantee of job security with those clowns. It wasn't before.

Soon the relationship will dissolve into a bitter game of blame, contempt and abuse. This will not end well.

As for me, I’d never go back to the one who dumped me. Never.

It Ain’t Easy Finding a Job

Warning: I’m angry, and this post articulates that. So if you don’t want to read my rant, please watch a football game or HGTV.

What has my knickers in a twist? Two things occurred this week that reinforce the mountainous

hurdles long-term unemployed workers face in finding a job and the skewed perceptions many politicians have of us.

First, Congressional boob John Boehner foamed at the mouth, essentially categorizing jobless folks as lazy people on the lookout for a handout. Oh, my, where do I begin…How about when was the last time you introduced and passed a piece of legislation?

To be fair, I give Boehner credit for working his way up from modest beginnings. However, I’m not so sure it is as easy to climb up the economic ladder now as it once was. A college education is frightfully expensive today, and the job market is hyper-competitive. (Don’t I know it!)

Yet I’d also like to point out that long-term unemployed workers confront many obstacles in their quest to find job. Sadly, some of those barriers are unseen. This past week that reality hit me square in the face like a ton of rejection letters.

Let’s begin on Monday, when I logged onto to my LinkedIn page to view the job listings in my increasingly futile attempt to find gainful employment. As I scrolled down the page to see the latest cheery notes from my employed (grr…) contacts, I noticed the name of a former colleague who had a new job title at a new company.

I recognized the title and the name of the company immediately. It was a job I had applied for a few months prior. I went for an interview, was told by the interviewer that I was a “breath of fresh air,” and would definitely be called back for a second interview. (I was not, for reasons that will be subsequently detailed.)

Soon after the interview, I was emailed a writing test, which I completed by the deadline. It wasn’t long after that I received the dreaded “we have chosen another candidate” email. Oh, well, I thought, I probably didn’t so great on the test. Then I found out who actually got the job, and how he got it. Let's just say, that "test" was a farce. I never stood a chance, no matter how I did on that test.

Just as a bit of background, since I worked with the winning applicant, I, of course, know his background. It’s not that much different than mine. When you factor in my background within the general industry the company operates in (which he most definitely does not have), I could argue I was the better candidate for the job.

I admit I was upset. I mean, WTF! Why’d they pick somebody with less expertise than I had for the job?

Oh, and another thing: HE HAD A JOB!

I immediately shot off an angry, whiny email to two former colleagues at my former workplace laid off the same day I was. We commiserated and vented about our mistreatment by our former employers and the general sucky state of our lives. Cause that’s the only outlet we laid-off workers have to express our dissatisfaction. Did you think we’re going to complain to John Boehner?

The next day, one of those former co-workers sent me a note. The wife of the former colleague who was hired works at the same company. SMH! I lost out because of…nepotism! Oh, great, just another unseen, sinister hurdle the long-term jobless have to vault over to get a job.

Before you think I’m a total crazy bitch (well…), I must say this former colleague was a very nice guy. I also found out (from the same former co-worker laid off the same day I was) that there were some managerial changes that, reading between the lines, left this guy out in the cold. Obviously, he knew it, his wife knew it, so he hightailed it as fast as he could to the next best job opportunity before he was shoved out the door. I can’t blame him or his wife. It was just a heartbreaking coincidence that I was trampled over in the process.

The whole sad mess just serves to underscore how hard it is for long-term unemployed to find a job. There are certain aspects of the job search we can control, such as polishing up our resume, individualizing our cover letters to a specific job, applying for only those positions for which we have the optimal chance of getting an interview, and doing our best in the interview (this is an area where admittedly I need to improve). Most importantly, we can soldier on and continue to look for work. Those are things within our control.

Yet there are barriers we cannot foresee or overcome. We cannot combat ageism, or discrimination against laid-off workers. We cannot know if a company will decide to hire from within or chose an applicant with less experience so they can pay them a lower salary. We cannot anticipate nepotism, or whether a job is to be filled by a spouse or nephew of a member of upper management. If that were the case, we’d marry the CEO before the interview. (Call me, you have my number.) It does make me wonder if there were other times I was pushed aside for a job I was qualified for due to nepotism (though I think the percentage is small, this latest incident indicates it could be a factor).

So, you see, it ain’t easy finding a job, despite Boehner’s uninformed and outrageous contention. Jobless jobseekers must overcome a host of challenges, some within our control, yet still others factors are hidden behind closed conference room doors that we have no inkling of and no way to surmount.

Nevertheless, I intend to continue to look for full-time work (though that is looking increasingly unlikely) and hustle up whatever freelance assignment I can. I've gone on every job interview I've been called for...even when I was a passing a kidney stone (no lie). I’ll also look into part-time retail work. Nepotism be damned.

Because, Mr. Boehner, I do want to work.

Dear Friends & Family…Please Shut Up

Dear Friends & Family:

I’ve wanted to say something to you for the longest time, you know, ever since I was unceremoniously dumped from my job and thrust once again into the trash heap of long-term unemployment. It’s simply this: I know you mean well, but can you please stop with the

well-intended but sometimes silly advice, which is beginning to drive me batty.

It’s because I know you mean well that I haven’t—yet—snapped at you when you tell me to do something that a), I’ve already thought of but decided not to pursue (which is my right), and b) I’ve already tried what you advise and failed at it. I also know that if I even attempt to question the wisdom of your silly advice, you'll get all huffy and say a wounded, "Well, I was only trying to help." Yeah, because it's all about you. I can't win. All your constant nagging disguised as advice is doing is making me more stressed out.

Therefore, for the sake of family harmony and friendship, I’d like to offer you some advice on how to talk to a person who is unemployed and perhaps give a little insight into our state of mind.

It really isn’t about you. Yeah, we’ve all done it. Somebody comes to us, venting about this or that problem. Instead of just listening and letting the person have his or her say, we immediately launch into how we had a similar problem, how bad it was, how we did or didn’t solve it, etc. That, my dear friends, is narcissism, and we’re all guilty of it from time to time. In other words, we make it about ourselves, instead of the other person who is legitimately going through a tough time. Whenever a conversation takes this turn, I know the other person cares not a wit about me.

It’s why I rarely talk to people about my jobless status (except in this blog; if any reader is upset by my ramblings, they can watch a NY Mets game. Oh, wait…). I do this for your sake, dear friends and family, not mine. How dare I bum you out by being “negative” when all you want to do is talk about yourself. Go right ahead. I won’t stop you.

Perhaps this “advice” is coming from a good place. Perhaps you believe you can “fix” a problem that there may not be any fix to. Unless you can hire me for a full-time job (not bloody likely), you really cannot fix my problem. But I get it. You want to be the hero in somebody else’s life. So it really isn’t about me, is it?

My situation is not like your situation. Just because you were once unemployed doesn’t mean our situations are analogous. Yes, you were unemployed, but you were married or living with an employed partner, so you had another stream of income coming into the household. That makes a big difference. Maybe it was easier for you to find a job in your chosen profession than it is mine. So comparing your past situation to my current one is not comparable. So giving me advice based on your experience may not be applicable to me.

Even the time when you are unemployed makes a major difference. Back in 2009 when I was first laid off in the teeth of the Great Recession, I had the twin cushions of extended unemployed benefits and a fatter severance check. This time around, I don’t have those safety nets. Indeed, there are fewer programs to help the long-term unemployed now than there was when you lost your job. So, please, don’t compare your situation to mine. The two may be completely different.

What if I do what you advise…and fail? Again, we’ve all done this. Tried some harebrained scheme because a friend or family member badgered us into doing it…only to do an embarrassing face plant. We went kerplunk for many reasons: We weren’t into because it wasn’t something we truly wanted to try; we failed because it was something we weren’t very good at; we felt resentful being forced into something we had no interest in doing…the list could go on and on.

You get my drift. Unless a person truly wants to do something, then he or she is either not going to do, or try it and fail. I’m not saying a person shouldn’t try new things or take chances when times are dire. What I am saying is that the person has to make those choices of his or her own volition, not because someone hectored them into it.

Please understand as well that an unemployed person faces the prospect of failure every day…every time they send a resume and get rejected. So you do really want to strong arm that person into doing something that may only bring them more failure and rejection? It's easy to give advice when you're not the one putting their self-esteem on the line. Not that I have any objection to taking a risk; it's just that I need to carefully pick my spots lest I confront more failure and rejection.

Unemployed does not mean not working. I know the prevailing thought among red state politicians and employed people is that jobless people sit around all day, doing nothing, just picking up those unemployment checks.

I can’t speak for all jobless people, but I think I can speak for most: We ARE working, hard, at finding another job, picking up any and all freelance gigs, doing whatever we can to prop up our sagging finances. Let me remind you as well, that since Congress has decided against extending unemployment benefits, my payments ran out in August. So right now, I’m living off my savings (which has gotten me in hot water with my bank because I’ve transferred too much money between my savings and checking accounts. The nerve of me! Using my own money for my personal use!).

Every morning, I list the things I want to accomplish that day, whether it’s looking for a job, or completing a freelance assignment. I have followed up on any and all job leads, driven hours to job interviews, spent hours taking pre-employment tests I had no hope of passing, taken on freelance assignments (that I probably had no business saying yes to), waited and waited and am still waiting on payment for those jobs. There have been weeks when I have worked on the weekends to get my assignments completed. (To be honest, this week, I pulled back a bit because I have to take care of some medical issues.)

What has been my reward for this, yes, hard work? Nothing but rejection from potential employers and scorn from society. When did employed people become so smug? I really don’t know what I can do to make them understand how hard I’m trying and how difficult a situation I’m in at this time.

So how about being a little less judgmental? Please. That’s really all I and all other long-term unemployed people want. A little understanding of our individual situation and feelings, which leads me to…

Please don’t say, “Well, at least it got you out of the house.” More than any other phrase, this one irks me the most. Second only to: “They laid you off to save the company.” GAH!

My own sister said this to me recently when I told her I had taken a freelance gig in the city. I also had this insult hurled at me by a HR lady who mistakenly called me in for what I thought was a second interview. Nice, huh? Nothing like kicking a person when they’re already down.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Most of my friends are employed, so it’s unlikely I will meet them for lunch during the week. What I do on a freelance basis is mostly home-based, as is job hunting in the Internet Age. Where would I go? The mall? I can’t buy anything now.

My financial situation also makes trips far from home extremely unlikely. Heck, it’s even a stretch to pay for the $25 for gas to visit my sister in Pennsylvania. And what would the reaction be if, say, I jetted off to the Amalfi Coast? “Oh, she doesn’t have a job, but she goes to Italy. Must be great not to have a job. Guess she’s not doing so bad.”

I’d rather not hear it. It’s like I constantly have to defend myself. And it’s a little bit of damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I stay home to do assignments or apply for jobs online, then I stay at home too much. If I go out for a lunch with a friend or take a relaxing stroll around the mall on a Saturday, then I’m being lazy. I can’t win either way.

So, dear friends and family, all I’m asking is for a little understanding, a little time and space to figure out my new path in life, without being hassled by your useless advice—which is more about you than me.

Hey, I have to listen to you drone on and on about your insignificant work-related problems (at least you have a job!), or your trips to Europe. How do you think that makes me feel? Nevertheless, I listen politely and never interject any mention of my own sorry state. So how about returning the favor.

Please be assured I am well aware of my precarious financial and employment situation. It’s why I wake up at night with stomach pains, why I worry constantly about money. If I chose not to jabber endlessly about my dismal circumstances, it’s to spare you the unpleasantness of having to hear me talk about it, to be reminded that what happened to me could befall you or anyone.

Yet when I do talk about my jobless status (which isn’t often), can I ask that you do one thing for me: Shut up and listen.

Sincerely,

Jobless JerzeyGirl

PS: There is some advice I'll follow. Like the time a friend said I should drink wine so I could sleep better. That I can do. I prefer to drink alone, though, cause I'm just that kind of psychologically damaged. 

Rejection Fatigue

AAAARRRRGGGHHH! I got one this morning.

OH NO! Another one came in the afternoon! Two in one day!

Twice, less than 12 hours apart, I had to endure what every job seeker dreads: the rejection email, just another paper cut to my self-confidence.

Sometimes you get rejection emails from a company for which you didn’t actually interview with in person. These robo-rejection emails are generated by the digital HR program that spits out qualified résumés the way you spit out watermelon seeds.

Sometimes you get rejection emails from a company you interviewed with in person. In my experience, however, that’s a pretty rare occurrence. Most of the time companies don’t even extend you the courtesy of informing you were, well, rejected.

I think that’s a bit rude, don’t you? I mean, if I’ve taken the time to come to your office (which sometimes has meant an hour commute or more) and have even taken a test, I believe I deserve to know if I were chosen or not. But what do I know? My feelings apparently don’t matter to HR. I’m just an overage, laid-off job seeker who doesn’t deserve basic human courtesy.

Though to be honest, if you haven’t heard back from an employer within say, two weeks, you can assume you were rejected. No email needed.

And to be fair, sometimes I get emails asking me to come in for an interview. Yet so far, that has only led to what seems to be the inevitable rejection email or nothing at all...sounds of crickets chirping...

The wording of the rejection emails is typically the same: Thank you for applying…after careful consideration we’ve decided to go with other candidates…good luck in your future endeavors. Blah…Blah…Blah….

The last part always irks me. These companies care nary a rat’s patootie for me or any other applicant. They know they’ve probably just screwed scores of applicants out of a job all are qualified to do. So why go through the pretense of wishing us luck? It’s right up there with the lie that they keep our résumés on file. Yeah, I’ll believe that the day the New York Mets trade for Giancarlo Stanton.

Someday, I'd like to ask a HR person why they don't respond to applicants, even if the applicant came in for an interview. Too many applicants? Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Can't be bothered? Knowing HR people, it's unlikely I'd get an honest answer. These are people who routinely lie to workers and are mere tools of upper management.

Yet I’m of two minds about rejection emails. Sometimes I think it’s better not to know if you were rejected. Or why. If I knew why I was rejected, I’m not sure my rapidly dwindling self-confidence could withstand it.

Because each time I read one of those rejection emails, doubt and negativity seeps into my psyche: I’m not good enough. Everybody is better than me. They picked someone who went to a better school. I’m incompetent. I’m stupid. I’ll never be hired for a job again. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, that I should fight those damaging feelings. But it’s getting harder and harder with every rejection email.

Honestly, I’m tired, soul weary of applying for jobs, going on interviews, taking tests…and ultimately getting rejected. I have rejection fatigue. Not sure I can bear...one...more...rejection...email. It's understood that rejection is part of any job hunt, but at some point, there has to be some positive reinforcement, like an actual job offer.

When I first conceived this blog post, I thought about equating my job hunting/rejection experience with my days in junior high and high school when I was truly one of the most unpopular, sickly kids in school. (Yeah, I know. Navel gazing at its most self-indulgent, right? Remember, I have a lot of time on my hands.) Then I thought better of it. Nobody wants to read (much more) about how my classmates cruelly mocked, excluded, and ignored me. How my pathetic attempts to be popular only engendered more scorn from my peers. It was horrible.

Suffice to say that nothing beams me back to those desolate days in the seventh grade lunchroom when I was the sad-eyed, lonely little girl no one apparently wanted to befriend than getting a job rejection email.

There Are No Second Chances in Job Hunting

Searching for a job after a layoff can be frustrating, demeaning, depressing and downright frightening. It can also be outright wacky.

This bizarreness was in full bloom when I received a call from a recruiter this week. He left a message on my phone saying he had seen my resume on Monster (yeah, I know, too desperate, right?) and thought I would be a good fit for a job for which he was recruiting candidates.

Of course, I returned his call and left a message for him to call me back. What did I have to lose? However, that same day, while scanning a job board, I noticed a job ad placed by that same recruiter. I looked at the job description. Hmmm…it looked very similar to a job I had applied for back in April through another recruiter. It was the same job I had interviewed for but then was told the company was going with two other stronger candidates.

The recruiter called me back. He started to explain the job to me and I quickly interrupted. “Is this_______________?” I asked. Yes, he answered.

I then told him of my experience back in April. How I had gone through another recruiter; was told the hiring manager was “excited” about my background; and even met with my prospective boss for an interview. It ended when I was told I wasn’t even a finalist for the job. Hey, companies have the right to select their employees.

I admit, I was upset for about a week, but got over it. So why is the company still looking to fill the position?

According to the second recruiter, he actually presented the two finalists. One of them was offered the job, but declined it when he took a higher paying offer. Hey, that’s his right. (I love it when companies get all hissy when a candidate rejects their offer or employees leave the fold. How often do companies hurl employees out of work en masse? Workers have rights, too, but companies want complete control over their employees.)

The company then declined to offer the job to the second finalist, which left the recruiter scratching his head.

Since I have nothing to lose at this point, I told the recruiter to put my name in the ring, though it’s extremely unlikely I would be considered as a candidate a second time. It's a Hail Mary Pass. Yet I figured, at the very least, I might find out why I was rejected for the job. The recruiter was sympathetic and told me not to doubt myself. Even he was mystified as to why the company spurned the second finalist.

I haven’t heard back from the second recruiter; doubtful I will. It’s time, as the song says to let it go, and move on.

From what the recruiter told me, the candidate the company decided to offer the job to did have more “analogous” experience, but it wasn’t that much greater than mine. If there were an advantage, it was razor thin.

After all, I was recruited the first time and went in for an interview. So I obviously had the background they sought for this job. The second recruiter wouldn’t have called me about the job unless he thought I was a suitable candidate. Remember, he gets paid when he successfully places a candidate. Frankly, I’m sick of being jerked around by this company. Told one minute I’m an attractive candidate, and then tossed aside with no explanation the next.

This happens more often than you’d think. A company offers a job to a candidate, who declines. Recently, I noticed an ad for a job I had applied for back in February. I even went in for a prized second interview, only to get the dreaded “we’ve decided to go with another candidate” email. Now they are looking to fill the same position once again. I can only surmise the candidate they originally offered the job to took a higher paying offer. That doesn’t surprise me; this particular company is notorious for only hiring recent college grads who think being paid $25,000 a year and living with five roommates is awesome. Oh, they would literally die…if Mom and Dad weren’t footing half their bills.

As I said in the beginning, hiring decisions can be wacky. Why was the company so hot to hire someone who was obviously using them to leverage a better payday while ignoring other just-as-qualified candidates who wanted to work for them? I guess it’s human nature, even in HR, to always want what we can’t have. Apparently, the blithering idiots who run this company only want to hire people who don't want to work for them.

I’m also left to wonder if my laid-off status had anything to do with the company discounting my candidacy. At the depth of the employment recession of 2010, numerous articles were written detailing how companies were rejecting laid-off workers outright even if they had the right qualifications. Is this despicable policy still in vogue?

Which is really hurtful, not only to the prospective employee but also to the company. Somebody who has been laid off is unlikely to use one job offer as maneuver to get another, better paying position. Indeed, we’re likely to take a cut in pay from our previous job. (I did.) I can only speak for myself, but I would take the first job offered to me at this point. Plus, laid-off workers can start work immediately. So there are advantages to hiring the long-term unemployed; not that companies think that way.

But should you reapply to a company that rejected you?

Perhaps it’s my rejection fatigue talking, but I wouldn’t reapply to a company that spurned me. It makes no sense. Whatever the reasons that propelled them to reject you in the first place — too high salary demands, too old, not the right qualifications, poor interview — are not going to magically revert in mere weeks and make the HR person change his or her mind.

There are no second chances in job hunting.