Ghosting. It’s a new social
phenomenon whereby one partner in a relationship severs all contact with the
other person with no explanation. No phone call, no text, and of course,
Though this rather
distributing trend occurs more in romantic or personal relationships, ghosting
happens just as much in professional circles. I can’t count the number of times
I’ve been “ghosted” from freelance jobs with no explanation (unless you
consider the rather vague “didn’t click” BS I was given by a douchey client). Another time, I was told I had a steady freelance
gig. But after I accepted, I never heard from the company again. So what gives?
Just this past week, a
client of the editorial consultant I’ve been working with told him the company
was going in a different direction. This swift turnabout came mere weeks after
they assured him the company liked our work and would continue on another
three-month contract.
Sometimes, personal
relationship die out simply because you’ve moved on. You took a new job and
don’t have daily contact with former co-workers. You move to another city, and
have fewer opportunities to get together. That’s understandable.
Other “ghosting” incidents
are less easy to comprehend. As a strikingly unpopular person since junior high
school, I’ve become accustomed to people insulting and mocking me to my face,
and cutting any and all contact with me in a rude, mean-girl manner with no
reason given for their nasty behavior. But, hey, at least they did it to my
face. And after some soul-searching, I realized my sometimes clingy behavior
and “foot-in-mouth” disease might have caused the rift. Was I deserving of
their abrupt expulsion? No, I don’t think my treatment of them ever rose to
that level. I never insulted or was mean to them. My guess is they simply
wanted someone to kick around so they could feel superior, and I was an easy
target. They made it abundantly clear I wasn’t worthy of their time or
friendship anymore. Once it become obvious they wanted no part of me, I
respected their wishes and kept away.
Yet, those horrible,
soul-crushing incidents (of which I count only three) made me a better person,
a better friend and co-worker. I tried not to make the same mistakes, and for
the most part I’ve been successful. I also know I would never treat somebody
the same way those mean girls treated me. I treat people with respect, even
when my courtesy is not returned.
What makes ghosting so much
easier today is our digitally connected world. Why tell someone to their face why you’re dismissing them
from your life when you can simply send a text, or better yet, say nothing at
all. Poof! You’re gone.
How ironic at a time when we
are more connected than ever that we’ve become less sensitive to other’s
feelings. Aided by social media, we’ve become a callous, narcissistic society
with no compassion or empathy. We’ve become more distant from one another, not
closer.
We send nasty texts and make
cruel Facebook and Twitter posts about people. Yet we seem to believe because
those vile comments are made in cyberspace — not to the person’s face — they
are somehow not hurtful.
So, why was I ghosted from
those freelance jobs? Were the people in charge too busy to send me an email
response? Can’t pay freelancers anymore? Was my work subpar? (Let me point out
here that I’m always willing to edit my work to fit their specifications, and
have done so when requested.)
All any of us who’ve been
“ghosted” want is a simple, reasonable, respectful explanation of why we’re
being kicked to the curb. Give us a reason. It may have something to do with
our work or behavior. If that is the case, we can make changes to better
ourselves. If it has nothing to do with us or our work — the website can’t pay
freelancers anymore, the company is going in a different direction, the person
you thought was a friend is a backstabbing mean girl — we should know that,
too, so we’re not punishing ourselves for something beyond our control.
Without an explanation, we
“ghosted” parties are left to ruminate as to what could have been our failure.
As someone who has been laid off twice since 2009, I fall easily into the “I
suck” mode anytime I’m ghosted or rejected for a job.
What really sucks is
ghosting. Let’s stop it. Be brave and tell people why you’re doing them wrong —
to their face. Or at least a frickin’ email.
