Never Can Say Goodbye

The news was not unexpected. Yet what the intellect knows, the hearts does not want to believe. We cling to hope like a buoy in a sea storm. It won’t happen, it won’t happen…

“Your cousin died this morning,” the gravelly, exhausted voice said over the phone.

I knew this day was coming; I just didn’t want to believe. My dear cousin had fought bravely

for 12 years against a rare cancer that takes the life of most sufferers within a year. A vibrant, vocal (she told it to you straight, no filters, but always from a place of love), stunningly beautiful woman, she fiercely loved her family and friends. She will be greatly missed. The world is dimmer today without her, as we, those who loved her, stumble through the overcast and our sadness without a lady we’ve known since our earliest remembrances. I went to her funeral, but the real grief begins now.

Another lady I’ve known for many years is now gone from my life, too. We worked together at my former former workplace. She worked as the secretary to the company president; I, an editor. We struck up a work friendship that blossomed into a real friendship when, after her retirement, she moved to a town close to me.

We’d get together on the weekends, seeing a movie (we loved James Bond), shopping at nearby mall (she loved Macys as much as I do), and having lunch at pub restaurant where we’d sip Irish Coffees after the meal. We’d chat about family, work, life — and clothes.

In recent years, her back pain worsened, and she began to walk with a cane. She’d talk openly about selling her condo and moving closer to her daughter in Connecticut. A widow, living on her own was becoming increasingly difficult. Yet once again, I didn’t want to believe she’d actually leave.

The last time we talked, she said she didn’t feel up to getting together. That’s okay, I replied, I just want you to know you are well. Call me when you are able and we’ll have our Irish Coffees.

No call came. I sent her a Christmas card with a gift card in it. She sent back a Christmas card, wishing me health and happiness in the New Year. That was it.

Once the hubbub of the holidays ended, I called her number. It was disconnected. Shocked, I rushed to my computer, and after a quick Google search, saw her condo was — and still is — up for sale.

I mailed a letter to her old address, hoping it would be forwarded to wherever she is. The letter was not returned to me, but I also received no reply from her.

What happened? Where is she? Is she well? I don’t have the answers. I contacted the son of the gentleman she worked for, thinking perhaps he knew her location. He said his father would get back to him. I made it clear that if she doesn’t want to contact me, that’s fine. I just want to know she is safe and healthy. Still no word…

Now, she, too, is gone. Why didn't she tell me she was leaving?

As I process these losses, I realize that my career is also gone. Something that has been part of my life for so long, my ability to support myself, has drifted away like wisps of dandelions in the wind. I try to grab it back, but it eludes my grasp.

No one will hire me, and freelance gigs are drying up. Just this week I was informed one publication is going through a “reorganization” (translation: we’re laying off freelancers). I was banished from another job for reasons still unclear.

Yet, I know this is merely the ebb and flow of life, like ocean waves lapping to and fro on a sandy shore. What was once there, so visible and solid, suddenly disappears. Good times zigzag with bad times. Life is a series of transitions, some good, some not so good. Change is never easy, but we endure. We lose jobs; we find (we hope) new jobs. People are in our lives and then they leave.

We knit their memories in our minds. Despite the sadness pressing on our hearts, we move forward. We put one foot in front the other and keep walking — and hoping. Always hoping.

Just don’t ask me to say goodbye.

A Word About Ageism. (Pauses. Sips Tea.)

So I’m in the middle of a job interview two weeks ago when the interviewer says to me, “You have too much experience for this job. You’d be bored.” I knew then I had no chance of getting that job. That statement ranks among the top 5 of “Things You Never Want to Hear

During a Job Interview.” I was doomed.

Any employment expert — or long-time job hunter — knows the phrase “too much experience” is code for: “This person is too old for the job. I’m never going to hire him/her. Bring me a younger person.”

Yes, folks, ageism is alive and well in the workplace. Not only do companies target older workers for layoffs (I should know), they dismiss them outright for jobs for which they have every qualification simply because they are considered “too old.”

Like my recent job interview. Nowhere in the ad did it mention this was an entry-level position. I possessed the requisite skills and background for the job, not to mention knowledge of the company’s particular industry. Yet, a day later, I received the dreaded “We are going with another candidate” email. Yeah, a younger candidate, no doubt.

This wasn’t my first encounter with flagrant ageism. One particularly nasty guy I interviewed with looked at me and sneered, “At your age it would be hard to get a job.” Could he be any more transparent? His implication was clear: Since no one else will hire you, I may — for a paltry salary — and I can treat you as badly I want because no one else will give you a job. I’d rather be homeless, living in my own pee, than work for a horrible boss like that.

I knew when I started my job search 16 months ago my advanced age would hinder my ability to find employment. Add to that my two layoffs in four years, and I knew it would be a tough road. Yet, I was able to get job interviews, and I thought, foolishly I now know, that the skills I picked up at my last job would erase any doubts about my capability to master new technology. I was wrong, so wrong.

I’m not surprised that HR managers practice ageism when hiring. (Who’s going to stop them?) What does surprise me is how blatant they are about it, how little attempt they make to hide the fact they are discriminating against me because of my age, how they believe I'm so stupid I don't perceive their ageism. 

I’m also surprised when people of my generation discriminate against me because of my age. That woman who dismissed me for being “too experienced” (is that a bad thing?) was well past her 40th birthday. How would she feel if she was laid off and had to look for a job, only to be told she was “too experienced”?

Perhaps for that particular position I was too experienced. If that were the case, then the company should have specified it was an entry-level position or stated the salary range. Then, I wouldn’t have applied, gone in for the interview, and been crudely dismissed because of my age.

Of course, companies aim to pay only the lowest of salaries, so an experienced worker is automatically deemed to command too high a salary. Let’s hire young and cheap is the mantra of corporate America. My salary requirements run in line with the industry’s standards for someone with my experience, and I’m always willing to negotiate. Sadly, any attempt to negotiate salary has fallen on deaf ears.

There is more than mere ageism going on here. It’s the belief by so many employers that only the young know how to use technology. I believe that is a false assumption.

At my last job, I learned new tech systems and was given the toughest job in the department. Want to know what my beat was? Annuities. Yeah, good luck with that. It was the military equivalent of latrine duty. Hey, I was the newest employee, so I expected the shittiest assignment.

Nevertheless, I succeeded. I tripled page views on my channel and was the fourth most-read editor out of a staff of a dozen on the website. I was the lady who created a slideshow titled “12 Cheesy Sales Lines You Should Avoid.” It was a thing of beauty, and I had fun putting it together. A year after it was posted, it was still in the top 10 for page views. So, I proved I could learn new industries and technology. Great, right?

Unfortunately, the misogynist fraud that headed the department couldn’t deal with any older professional women and laid off three of us. He hated it when any female underling questioned him, and treated a lady recovering from cancer treatment very badly. He barely concealed his disdain for any of us. When the chance came to get rid of us, he did. Again, ageism reared its ugly head.

In light of my recent experience, I don’t understand why I’m summarily rejected for jobs simply on the assumption I’m too old to learn new tech skills. And why are young people automatically assumed to be digital wizards? And it’s not just me who feels that way.

I recently spoke to the head of a tech company for a freelance article. I asked what skills he looked for in new hires. The exasperation in his voice vibrated through the phone line. (Yes, it was a landline. It’s better for recording interviews. In my defense, I gave up my flip phone a long time ago.)

The gist of his answer was that while young people are users of technology, they remain clueless when it comes to developing a technology that can successfully solve a business problem. Just because Millennials are consumers of technology does not in any way mean they are innovators of technology. Heck, they may not even know how to code. If Millennials are such hotshot techies then why are they are thousands of coding bootcamps across the country? Yet, companies persist in the belief that only the young know technology and dismiss thousands of older workers based on a wrong-headed notion.

I fight a losing battle against that stigma every time I submit a job application. Age discrimination cases are notoriously hard to prove, so companies have no fear of dismissing older workers and being hit with a lawsuit. HR managers can spin the rejection of an older candidate by simply saying they weren’t right for the job or had “too much experience.”

That is so wrong, for so many reasons. Hiring someone based solely on their age is as stupid as rejecting a person because of their age. It’s ridiculous.

Why not look at the totality of a job applicant. Does the person have the skills and background for the job? In an interview, does the person seem personable and intelligent? Does that person have the capability and desire to learn new skills? Those are characteristics a person can possess at any age.