10 Things To Do After a Layoff

OK, you’ve just been laid off. Now what? What do you do? Where to begin? What’s my first move? Can I assault my former bosses? (Um, no.)

Being this is my second time spit out by the corporate moneymaking machinery, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on what it feels like to be laid off and what your next steps should (and shouldn’t) be. Surely I'm a better advice expert than some bogus career coach (how can someone who is self-employed tell others how to get a job!) or some pinhead financial writer who has never had to worry about finding work because Daddy's big bucks got them into an Ivy League college and a ticket to any job they want.

What I’m talking about here is what to do in the immediate aftermath of a layoff, the days and weeks following your involuntary heave-ho. Please take this in the spirit of helpful advice from someone who has been there…twice.

Here it goes:

Get out of bed. That first morning after you’ve been laid off is, quite honesty, awful. Overwhelmed by financial worry and the shock of it all, you don’t want to get out of bed, you want to stay under that warm comforter (never was an article of bedding named more appropriately), swathed in your fluffy robe, never to see the world again. Because if you stay under the covers, nobody can hurt you, nobody can take your job, your livelihood away from you, the guy you like can’t reject you for the pretty blonde (OK, that was TMI. Sorry.).

Unfortunately, at some point, you must get out of bed and face the task at hand, however dreadful a prospect that is.

Take a shower. As traumatic as losing a job can be, it’s no excuse for forgoing basic hygiene. Get out of bed, take a shower, and you will feel a bit better.

Apply for unemployment. Applying for unemployment is not easy. It’s a bureaucracy, one that is designed to frustrate applicants. Try to apply for unemployment online. I dare you. So expect delays. It took me three days to actually talk to a live human being, and I still have to go through some silly telephone interview to determine my benefit base (or if I qualify at all). Bottom line: I probably won’t see any money until the second week in February. That’s just great.

So frustrating is the unemployment grinder, I actually considered not applying. But my landlord would have something to say about that.

Ignore the delays and the bureaucratic smack-downs. Persist and get those unemployment bucks (which will never be as much as you made weekly). You’re entitled to it and you deserve it, at least temporarily.

Tell a small circle of friends and family at first. I really haven’t told too many people about my layoff so far. I haven’t announced it on any social media outlet just yet. And for good reason.

It’s not because most people are unsympathetic. On the contrary, I’ve gotten the typical “sorry to hear that” reaction from the majority of people I’ve told.

What you’ll find, though, is a range of responses, from the rather flippant, uncaring “Hey, it happens” comment from a former co-worker to the nice lady downstairs who offered to get me food. In all likelihood, you will encounter someone who has absolutely no empathy and that can be devastating. All it takes is one nasty, offhand remark to set you off into a tailspin of negative thoughts. And I don’t even want to think about those “frenemies” who would take pleasure in my misfortune.

Therefore, I recommend telling only a small, select group of people of your job loss at first. When the time is right to widen that circle, you will know it. Doing it before you are ready is unwise.

Take your time making decisions. After you’ve been laid off, you are a cauldron of emotions — anger, hurt, anxiety, fear, sadness, disgust, shame, to name a few — all careening inside you at Formula One speed. So it’s probably not the best time to jump blindly and thoughtlessly into any major life-alternating decision or even to read over the termination agreement letter you were indifferently sent home with.

Now, I’m not saying stay in bed and do nothing for six months. But I will tell you this: you have an afternoon, a week, to process your job loss. To calm down, read over the termination agreement letter, weigh your options, before you navigate your future path, whatever that might be.

Spontaneity is a good thing, I agree. However, in this instance, with so many negative feels coursing through your mind, it’s better to wait a bit and give yourself time to come to terms with the blow you’ve been unfairly dealt.

Having been through this deflating situation twice now, I can tell you that there is no decision so horrible that it cannot be undone with a little backtracking or minor tweaking. Chances are you will make good choices.

It’s OK to feel bad. Our society puts too much pressure on people to be happy and positive at all times. It’s to the point where one cannot express one iota of unhappiness or displeasure over some unforeseen circumstance without being labeled “negative.” Put on that smiley face even when you’ve been dumped or lost your job! Your career and financial future is thrown in doubt and you're supposed to be happy?! For the sake of the other person?! That’s ridiculous.

Further, it’s unrealistic and damaging to someone who has just undergone a truly cataclysmic experience. You need to express your hurt and sadness. Papering over your wound with ridiculous statements like, “I’m really positive about getting a job in the next week,” won’t make the hurt go away. Until, that is, you rightly feel more positive about your situation.

It’s also natural to feel out of sorts. Overnight, you’ve gone from hectic 8-10 hour workdays to…what? Your sleep patterns and body rhythms are out of synch in the first days/weeks following your job loss. It takes time to get your body and mind adjusted to your new reality. Give yourself that time.

Your self-esteem has taken a body blow as well. It’s natural to wonder if you simply weren’t good enough to keep employed. So many factors go into who gets laid off and who stays that it’s impossible to ever know the real reason behind your termination. Seeing former colleagues get engaged, sell their indie screenplays or buy homes doesn’t help you feel any better about yourself either. Avoid watching those narcissistic, self-adulating (I would use another adverb, but I want to keep this blog PG), fiddle-while-Rome-is-burning, sickeningly gaudy Hollywood award orgies, too. Their sole purpose is to make the "little people" feel inferior. Disgusting.

Since this is something I still struggle with from my first layoff, I don’t know what the solution is; I don’t know what will you make you feel better about yourself or more self confident.

Perhaps the only solution is simply not to dwell on it too much. I’ve found that when I start thinking about my former former workplace and my former workplace, I ask myself this: “Do you think your former bosses are thinking about you? Do you think they care about you anymore?” The answer is no. It puts things in perspective, and reminds me I should not care about people who treated me so carelessly.

If no one else will, I’m giving you permission to feel bad about your layoff. I don’t believe being positive means ignoring the bad stuff. It means carrying on despite the negativity in your life. That said…

It does not mean constantly complaining about your layoff to friends and relatives. For two reasons: No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer 24/7 and most people only care about themselves anyway. So I would definitely limit my whining to small time slots. Ask how the other person is doing. Don’t monopolize the conversation with your bad news. Say something like, “OK, enough about me. What’s new with you?”

Or better yet, join a support group for other unemployed workers. I’m considering it.

It’s OK to say, “I don’t know.” After you’ve been laid off, well-meaning friends and relatives tend to bombard you with advice about what you should and shouldn’t do. Some of their suggestions may be good; others, not so much. (Yes, you can ignore whatever I write here. I won’t mind.)

Again, they mean well, but their advice likely comes from their own experience and fears, and perhaps even a need to control another person. It has nothing to do with you, your circumstance, or what you want to do. If you try to please other people all the time, you will never succeed in anything, least of all pleasing that other person.

Here’s a great example from my own life: After I got out of college I had a hard time finding a job. Not an unusual circumstance for most recent grads. Instead of giving me practical help or gentle encouragement, my mother and my bossy older sister screeched at me routinely to “FIND A JOB!” In fact, my older sister, who worked for the phone company, hectored me into taking the test to join the phone company. I did, and failed the test, naturally. It wasn’t what I wanted to do, so it was doomed to failure. Eventually, I did find my own way, without their help.

Whatever you do in life must come from your own desires and efforts, not someone else’s. So if someone barrages you with questions about what you are going to do, be polite but firm. Tell them, honestly, that you have applied for unemployment and are redoing your résumé. Other than that, it’s OK to say you don’t know what your next step will be or what the future holds for you.

Because, really, does anyone know what the future holds? Did you think you’d be laid off a week before you were? Any talk of what you will be doing six months or a year from now is simply foolish. After being laid off twice in a little over four years, I believe I’m perfectly right in questioning whether I want or should return to the 9 to 5 grind. It certainly hasn’t served me well in recent years, has it? What good is gainful, full-time employment when your employer can dump you at any time with no warning or through no fault on your part?

Should I work part-time, freelance? Or take the plunge into a new field altogether? I don't have an answer yet.

I wish, dear fellow unemployed workers, that I could tell you that you will have another job in a week, at a higher salary than what you were making at your previous job. Having been through the layoff mill twice now, I know that is unrealistic. But I can tell you this…

Keep moving. You cannot accomplish everything in a day. In our want-it-now society, that is somehow unacceptable. How unrealistic can you get! It can also lead to some pretty bad decisions and disastrous outcomes.

Unemployment takes days to file; getting a résumé redone competently takes at least a week. Deciding your future doesn’t have to be done overnight.

But if you try to do a little something each day (start the unemployment application, jot down your thoughts for a new résumé, etc.), you will look back and realize you accomplished more than you thought you had.

The point is to keep moving, even slowly. That starts by getting out bed and taking a shower, and…

Take a hike. Or walk. Luckily, I live in a town that has a lovely walkway along a river. It’s a great place to take a brief stroll. Being in the fresh air clears your mind and at the very least, gets you away from the computer screen and the bad news and constant reminders of your situation. So I would definitely recommend a daily walk when possible. It couldn’t hurt.

Stick to your previous routine. Though your entire life has been thrown off-kilter, try to hew to your previous “normal” routine as much as possible. Just because you don’t have to arise before the sun doesn’t mean you can’t keep exercising in the morning. If you shop for food on Fridays, stick to that schedule. Anything you can do that makes you feel like your “normal,” employed self helps. Trust me.

 

There you have it. I hope some of my pointers can help other unemployed workers along their path. Now, it’s time for me to have some lunch and take a walk.

But before I do, I have this parting shot to all those who employed me before:

Not Again

Yes…again.

This Monday, Monday the 13th, I was laid off. Again. For the second time in nearly four years.

I knew something was amiss when the HR lady called me to her office and said she and the head of division wanted to speak to me. So I went to the office, sat down and was given – yet again – the “this has nothing to do with your performance but we can no longer support your position” speech. There was some more mumbo jumbo about needing to redirect resources elsewhere in the company…making more profits…blah blah blah…I’ve heard it all before.

When I actually questioned the head of the division about whether the print magazine I worked for was still in existence, he seemed flustered and impatient. The nerve of me! How dare I question an executive decision! Get thee to the unemployment line!

Having been through this before, I know that resistance is futile. This time around, I managed to stay calm and not snap at any former co-workers. Nor did I try to talk my way out of getting laid off. (Like that always works.) Good for me. After much trial and error I’ve learned it is much better to watch others make fools of themselves than be the one acting a fool.

I took my employee “package” with helpful hints on collecting unemployment benefits and a letter I must sign promising I won’t sue the company before I can get my severance check of two weeks worth of pay and left. Before I did I was told by the HR lady that I could leave at any time. HELL YEAH BITCH! Ya think! You just laid me off! Was I going to stick around to serve tea to my former corporate overlords? Not bloody likely.

Seriously, can these people be so out of touch with reality and human feelings? Just because they may say the layoff had nothing to do with my performance doesn’t make the outcome any easier for me to swallow. I’m the one out of work; he still has a job and probably a very good paying one. It’s hard not to feel like I did something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough to keep employed. (Or maybe it was all those water bottles I stole from upper management.) I also misjudged the scorched earth policy of our new CEO.

And how about a little honesty for once? Yes, the economy has decimated the publishing industry. But that’s only partially the cause of layoffs. Doesn’t upper management deserve some of the blame for not finding ways to boost revenues (other than gutting whole departments?). But yet they are still employed. It’s almost like arresting a witness to a murder for the killing simply because he was a bystander and letting the criminal go free. There is no accountability in corporate America. It’s all about cronyism and saving their skins and those of their sycophants while others pay the price with their livelihoods.

So, once again, I cleaned out my desk. Luckily, I didn’t clutter it up with junk this time, and was able to stash my stuff in a tidy, but surprisingly, heavy two bags. Then, arms loaded with my personal belongings (but no remnants from the job), I took the Walk of Shame all laid-off employees make to the bus, train or car and went home. Jobless in Jersey. Once again the unwanted refuse of an evolving (dying?) industry.

Now, you may ask, were there signs layoffs were coming? Yes, in retrospect, there were definitely signs layoffs were coming in my department and I was a target. Looking back, I feel as delusional as A-Rod not to have seen this coming.

And the timing was about right. Companies routinely do mass layoffs in the fall so they can clear their books for the new year. However, they sometimes do another employee dump in January-February. Well, at least I had a nice holiday and got a big fat bonus check.

What could I have done? These types of situations come about so quickly workers are rarely given enough time to sit back, weigh their options and find another job. And the last two months were extremely busy. I even took work home during the holidays. (Who feels like an idiot now?)

Nevertheless, I wonder if upper management is just as delusional as I was. Do they honestly believe that gutting my former department after previous rounds of numerous layoffs is going to ultimately save the company? In reality, they’ve really only bought themselves a bit more time before they go completely under or are sold to another owner bent on cutting more operations to the bone.

It’s eerily similar to my former former workplace. (From now on, the job I had before this one will be referred to as my former former workplace and the one I was most recently laid off from will be my former workplace. Got it? Good, because I don’t want to go over it again.)

At my former former workplace, they just went through another round of layoffs in August after laying me and many others off in late 2009, and after several rounds of layoffs before that. So I doubt this is the end of layoffs at my former workplace.

So, given what transpired on Monday, do I regret taking this job nearly three years ago? No, I don’t. I had been out of work for 16 months when a former colleague offered me the job. I needed to get back to work, needed a steady paycheck and employer-sponsored health care. I needed a job. It was a tough transition at first, I’m not going to lie. But I learned a whole new industry and a lot of new skills that (I hope) will get me another job sometime soon. I met some really nice people, too.

Above all else, I learned I could learn new skills and be (somewhat) successful. I must be honest...there were several "my bad" blunders in the beginning.

What’s more, none are born with a built-in crystal ball that tells us what will happen a day, a month or a year from now. That tells us on such-and-such a day you will be in a fender-bender, that you will be laid off. How was I to know it would end in this soul-crushing manner when I first took the job a little less than three years earlier? The callous ending doesn’t erase the good motives that pressed me to take the job way back in spring 2011. Wow. Was it that long ago? Seems like yesterday...

I took this job at my former workplace as a second chance to improve my office behavior. Layoff or no layoff, by any measure, I did just that. And that will help me not only in dealing with any new office mates, but also in dealing with people in my life in general. Whenever someone snapped at me, I never responded in kind. Instead, I remained calm and pleasant ("You're the most polite person here!" one co-worker exclaimed to me) and did what had to be done...even when those people really needed to be bitch-slapped into submission.

Plus, for a short spell, I even got off the commuter-bus-through-the-tunnel grind and got to drive to work like a normal human being.

And I don’t feel as bitter about this layoff as the one from my former former workplace. I’m upset, sad and I’m not looking forward to another long stretch of joblessness, but I don’t feel the same amount of rancor against my former workplace as my former former workplace for several reasons.

First, I had been at my former former workplace for 16 years. I could argue with some credibility that I deserved to stay on, that I had seniority over some of the younger boobs they kept on staff in favor of me. Obviously, I didn’t win that argument, but it was an argument I could make.

At my former workplace, however, I didn’t have that heft of seniority. Others had been there 10 years or more. I was a newbie (something many of them made sure I never forgot). They deserved the consideration to remain employed there.

As is typically the case in layoffs, there was some amount of favoritism in who was chosen to stay and who was shown the door by the managers making those decisions. That’s normal, and as I said, I couldn’t make the seniority argument this time around. In all candor, I must say that all those kept on are top-notch workers. Unlike my former former workplace, I don’t think there was any backstabbing involved in the decision. Or was there? I can never be sure. I’m not privy to decisions made by third parties about my work life.

Contrast that to my former former workplace, where long-time veteran staffers were routinely given the steeled-toed boot while younger, cheaper workers were retained. Not sure which is right or wrong. It would be great if there were room for both young and veteran workers. Guess it's just a business decision, right?

Yet, in true corporate America “screw the workers” style, one of the five of us who had been laid off on Monday had been with the company for 50 years! Who says companies aren’t loyal to their workers anymore? So I can’t whine (too much) about being let go this time around.

Sadly, though, in one respect both my former former workplace and my former workplace were dishearteningly alike in their outright inhumane, shameful treatment of workers: The woman who sat next to me was laid off the same day...her first day back at work after undergoing radiation treatment for breast cancer. Un-freaking-believable! What else can I say?

Because of incidents like that, maybe I’m less bitter because I’ve learned that I cannot get too emotionally involved in any job. After being laid off after 16 years with the same company, I know that being loyal to a company is a losing proposition for any worker. I could go on and on (and I will, in other posts) about staking too much of your self-worth on any job. But I’ll leave that for the therapist I can’t afford to go to now.

I also think I got caught up in a phenomenon I read about last year. It theorized that workers who find a job after being out of work for a long time are more at risk of getting laid off again at their new job. (Last one hired…) How prophetic. And sad. What’s the point of going back to work?

Perhaps I’m less bitter because I’ve been through this crapola before. I know the drill. It’s just a business decision, right?

Or was this second layoff karmic payback? Remember when I reported the plagiarism of my work by a former co-worker who ultimately got fired? Maybe I got just what I deserved for such a mean action. If that former co-worker hears of my second layoff, she would have every reason to gloat. I couldn’t blame her one bit. (More on that in a future post.)

Did my timidity from my first layoff hold me back from doing a better job? Possibly. But I can say this with unfettered conviction: I worked my butt off learning this new job. I pitched in and helped others when asked. I never refused to do an assignment when I was capable of doing it. I met my deadlines and never got a poor performance review. (So why was I laid off? Oy!)

Did my constant worry about getting laid off again (read this blog!) manifest itself in another layoff? Something to ponder in another (spiritual) blog post. Of more immediate concern is getting signed up for unemployment and updating ye ole resume.

As for the new CEO, I have to be fair. The company had been in financial straits for quite some time when he came onboard. He faced a monumental task, one that is not done. For the most part, he has been more open with the staff than ever witnessed at my former former workplace. From what I saw of him, he was definitely not a nasty drunk like the boss I was routinely harassed by at my former former workplace.

In fact, a while back he sent around a rather cryptic note about looking for new investors and a possible change of ownership. If there is a change in ownership, he is likely a goner. But he’s a big boy and he knew what he was getting into. And he’ll probably leave with a fatter severance check than any of us got on Monday.

So what’s next for me? Well, right now I’m applying for unemployment, reaching out to contacts for job leads/freelance gigs, and sprucing up the old resume. I really don’t know what my next step will be. After getting laid off two times in four years, I wonder if I have any career left to pursue in publishing, or any field. I’m a two-time loser to potential employers. (OK, that was self-pitying and self indulgent, but no more than what you hear on an episode of “Girls.”)

I do know this: I’m once again living up to the title of this blog. Any thought of a new apartment or that FIAT 500 I crave has been shelved indefinitely. Sigh

But come along for the ride as I once again traverse the rocky, confusing, frustrating, lonely, depressing, boring, gut wrenching, yet sometimes enlightening emotional roller coaster of unemployment in the USA.

Oh, and it’s back to wearing sweatpants.

Bonuses of Christmas Past

Ah, the Christmas season! The time of year when your employer (for those lucky enough to be employed) give you time off so you can double up on work before and after you come back from holiday vacation. Think I’m making this up…I’ve done work all during my supposed Christmas break. I know if I don’t, I’ll get slammed by superiors when I return. And even with doing work, I’m still going to be behind on my assignments. Why bother giving us the time off?

But I digress. What I really want to talk about are Christmas bonuses, specifically, the monetary and food gifts I have been given (or not) at the end of the year from various employers. No names will be divulged but those companies know who they are and they should be ashamed. Ashamed, I tell you!

This year, I got a $100 bill. Yeah, you read right: That’s a 1 with two 00 after it. Wow. Could they spare it? I had to agree with my equally thrilled co-worker who exclaimed (sarcastically), “Now we can retire!”

Seriously, can they be that cheap? Or that disdainful of their workers? If it had been $200 or even $150, I wouldn’t have felt so cheated. I took the shinny new bill immediately to an ATM and deposited it in my savings account to cover a miniscule portion of the money I had to pull from savings to cover things like rent, food, holiday gifts for friends and family. I can survive with a small bonus (barely), but what about those who have young children, a mortgage or college tuition to pay?

Look, I understand companies are not obligated to give bonuses at the end of the year, and I’m grateful for any extra dollars. There have been times when my employer said there was simply no money for bonuses that year and we got nothing, nada. Fair enough. And I can understand if some employees, such as those who bring in most of the company’s revenues, get a bigger bonus than me.

Then there was the year my boss got some kind of deal on frozen turkeys (I kid you not). Yep, I lugged that inert mass of game flesh home on the NJ Transit bus and gave it to my mother. She was Italian and could cook anything and make it delicious.

Perhaps the best —and fairest —bonus I’ve even gotten is an extra week of pay. At least it was enough to pay off some credit card bills.

Companies may believe that if they give us a holiday party, that it counts toward our yearly bonus. Ah, yes…holiday parties! Those faux-festive occasions when we get to feast on greasy protein and carbohydrate-laden catered dishes and watch our bosses and co-workers get drunk and nasty. Joy to the world! Even I’m not that hard up for free food and drink that I wouldn’t forgo those ridiculous and unnecessary bashes for a little extra money in my pocket. Because the only thing I want to see less than my co-workers naked is my co-workers in an upchuck fit.

I will say this again: Company holiday parties with open bars should be outlawed. Now. They are truly depressing, desultory affairs that serve no purpose except to line the coffers of the food service industry. Hey, one relative who was in the restaurant business for many years talks about how crazy those parties were and how foolish people would act. He hated them. And he made money off of those parties.

Like everything upper management says and does (or doesn’t say or do), a holiday bonus carries a message to workers. A small bonus (or none at all) could mean the company is in dire financial straits and may be gearing up to cut staff or go under entirely. It also stinks to high heaven of cheapness and a disdain for the workers who toil daily to make the company profitable.

Of course, upper management’s attitude is, “You’re lucky to have a job, so we can treat you as badly as we want.” That is somewhat true. With an unemployment rate well nigh of 7 percent, the job market is far from employee-friendly. Ring the bell when it hits 5 percent.

Except…three people in my department recently got other jobs, good jobs. So there is some movement and it’s not as bleak as it was back in 2009-10 when there were two types of workers: those had been laid off and those who were going to be laid off. The job market is somewhat better, but not strong enough yet for any worker to rejoice.

UPDATE: I talked to my sister recently. She worked for a major telecom company for over 30 years and never got a bonus or a holiday party. So either that makes me the most ungrateful worker on earth, or it supports the whole theme of this blog: Companies are so cheap it makes your teeth hurt.

As for bonuses, if a company has the wherewithal to hand them out, great. If they cannot, that’s OK, too. Or going back to the frozen turkey tale, why not hand out food instead of a check or a measly $100 bill. A ham or turkey can feed a family for days.

So even though you are underpaying us and stiffing us on holiday bonuses, we can have something to eat.

Three More Workplace Zeroes

Back by popular demand (I think) are three more workplace zeroes, those annoying personalities and outright headcases that make our work and private lives a living hell.

The Smartest Kid in the Class. You know this type. He/she has been making your life miserable since the second grade. They were always the first to raise their hand and get the correct answer. Their reports and projects were always A+. They were always the kids the teacher singled out as the best in the class. Known by other names like Teacher’s Pet, brown-noser and butt-kisser, they were annoying and frustrating. No matter how hard you worked, they were always just that much better. And they made sure you knew that.

You see this type in the workplace as well. You do two projects; they do four. You stay late; they stay 15 minutes later. No one works harder than they do and they make sure you know that. While being the smartest kid in the class may have gotten them gold stars in third grade, I’m not sure it really counts for much in the workplace. If budgets cuts are necessary, it’s not going to make one iota of difference how hard you worked or how late you stayed in the office. You will be a goner (unless you are an expert butt-kisser.)

I see this type with one particular woman in my office. A prototypical smartest kid in the class, she stays late and does more than anyone else (when she really doesn’t have to). Why? Because she’s the smartest kid in the class. 

Or is she? At closer inspection, I contend that her staying late may just be workplace theater. That with better time management, she could probably get her work done within 7 or 8 hours. She has also, I realize, formulated a clever research method that enables her to find reports that she simply rehashes and gets praise for. She also refuses any help because, you got it, nobody is as smart as she is and no one can do the work as well as she can (or so she believes). Total narcissism. (More on that later.)

What I don’t understand is that this woman (unlike me) has a life outside the office…a young child and a husband (a Dutch-born filmmaker no less). So why not go home and spend time with her family?

No she won't. Because she, like all other former Teacher's Pets, is addicted to praise. Most "normal" people (whatever that is, not quite sure) like to be praised, but we don't constantly seek it. If we get praised for a good job, great. If not, so what? If we get criticized for screwing up, well, we don't like it, but we take it in stride and vow to do better next time.

Frankly, I think she and all the smartest kids in the class are heading for a crackup. She actually had a mini-meltdown in the office the other day. (She was also the co-worker who screamed at me when I tried to wish her good night. Crazy.) The constant pressure to always be the smartest kid in the class leads to an unhealthy perfectionism and an inflated sense of one’s abilities.

The Solution? There really isn’t one on your part. These people need psychological help. Nothing you can say or do is going to make them understand they are no longer in grade school and —horrors — they just may not be the smartest kid in the class anymore.

The Know-it-All. ARG! Even when they do know it all, they are still annoying. They are always right, even when they are proven wrong. They know everything about everything and what they like is always going to be better than what you think is good or what you like.

But let’s say for the sake of argument, that you do prove the know-it-all wrong. Do you think they will ever admit they were wrong? Fat chance. The best you get is some, “Oh, yeah, la di da…” shrug off. Don’t even bother trying.

The way I see it, unless your first name is Albert and last name Einstein, then you don’t know it all.

The Solution? Again, there really isn’t any. You will never convince them of them of their ultimate delusion and yes, stupidity. But when you know they are wrong, you can always take comfort in knowing you proved them wrong, even if it’s just to yourself.

The Narcissist. These are probably the most difficult people to get along with either on a personal basis or in workplace setting. It’s all about them, all the time. I’m not talking about a typical self-absorbed person who babbles on endlessly about themselves (we’re all guilty of that at times). A self-absorbed person will occasionally inquire about your life and wellbeing. A narcissist, never. Their self-absorption is grandiose in its tenor.

That’s because a narcissist believes the world resolves about him or her. Her problems will always take precedence over yours. If you talk about a difficult time you are going through, well, to a narcissist, you are being negative and they really don’t care. But you must listen to their endless complains about their job, their love life, and on and on. Because they are so much better, more important than you.

Now, you may think a narcissist is the same as an egotist. Though the line between the two is thin, there are distinct differences.

An egotist, for one, is confident in their abilities. Yet while they may think they are smarter than the next guy, or are better in some particular skill, they DO NOT believe they are a better person because of it. Most egotists are humble enough to admit when they are wrong and will sometimes be self-deprecating. A narcissist takes himself way too seriously to ever have a sense of humor, especially about themselves.

An egotist will monopolize the conversation; but a narcissist will suck the air out of the room with their unrelenting need for attention. Most egotists I know are self-aware enough to, on occasion, admit they have a big ego; a narcissist would never have that much insight into their damaged psyche.

A narcissist would never admit to being wrong. He or she cannot abide even the mildest of criticism and will cut you to pieces if you have the temerity to question their actions or beliefs. (An egotist would at least evaluate the criticism.) They think they are the most wonderful people on earth and anybody else who doesn’t believe as they do is beneath them.

If you dare criticize them, it’s because you are jealous or a negative person. It’s never because they were being a condescending jerk.

There are some code phrases that are the hallmarks of a narcissist. They include: “I deserve…” “Oh, she’s just jealous of me…” “Oh, that person is so negative…” “I’m so unique…”

Oh, and nothing but THE BEST for a narcissist. Who do you think keeps Whole Foods in business?

You can usually spot a narcissist by how they are constantly focused on themselves and their own feelings, not other people or the outside world. Try having a normal conversation with a narcissist. You can’t.

The only good thing about a narcissist is that you never have to worry about what they think of you...because they only think of themselves. And if they do think about you, it's probably that they think they are better than you (a point I'm happy to concede).

They are really quite sad people. They are so blinded by their own narcissism that they don't see the damage it's doing to their relationships with other people. They believe another person is only there to love and honor them; it's about what they can receive in a relationship, not what they can give. Narcissists have wildly unrealistic expectations of what love and friendship truly is. It's a give and take, not a one-sided affair.

They cannot fathom that another person has needs, feelings and beliefs that deserve respect. It's all "me me me"...all the time. When the relationships goes sour, the narcissist blames the other person, when, in reality, it was their own narcissism that destroyed the relationship.

Another sign is their incessant posting of selfies on their Facebook page. It just screams “Look at me and tell me how beautiful/handsome I am!” (What else is a person supposed to write in response to a selfie? “Hey, when was the last time you had a good night’s sleep” Or, “You need to step away from the Big Macs.”)

Unlike a confident egotist, a narcissist is supremely insecure and tries to mask that insecurity with an exaggerated sense of their own importance.

The more I live, the more I realize the most pernicious human frailty is narcissism. Unfortunately, our society promotes an unhealthy concentration on ourselves, our wants, needs, and feelings, sometimes under the guise of "self help spirituality." Nothing wrong with self improvement, but perhaps we'd all be a lot of happier if we thought about other people more often instead of ourselves all the time.

The Solution? After much trial and error, I’ve come to realize that it’s near impossible to be a friend of a narcissist. They want to pull you into their own self-focused universe. They don’t want a friend; they want a fan, somebody who will continually tell them how wonderful they are. A true friend will be supportive, but will tell you, in a nice way, when you are being a jerk. My best advice for dealing with a narcissist is to stay away from them. Don’t get sucked into their me-only world. There is no room for anyone else but the narcissist.

So there you have it…three more workplace zeroes. You know of any more?

Fugazy

Fugazy (fa-gay-zee)…an Italian-American urban slang term meaning something that is cheesy, not quite right, a lie, phony, not authentic.

When politicians or corporations are fugazy, it’s called spin. When anybody else acts fugazy, it’s called lying.

I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately because there have certainly been some fugazy happenings at work in recent weeks.

First, they announce they are closing down three business lines, yet keeping the people who worked for those units on staff, but in different, unspecified roles. The stated reason from upper management is they “don’t want to let good people go.”

Like that has ever stopped them before. At my former workplace, when they shut down your department, they wanted you outta there at warp speed. So I guess it was somewhat comforting to hear management express some measure of compassion for employees, instead of simply giving them the steel-toed boot.

It was also heartening to hear a company admit that if a worker is doing a good job, the job they were hired for, but revenues are down through no fault of the employee, then there really is no justifiable reason to let a good person go. And certainly with the amount of work they are asking us to do, we need all hands on deck. (Alas, companies don’t think like that; it’s all about doing more with less and squeezing as much as possible out of a leaner and leaner workforce.)

Is this really compassion? Digging a little deeper, this has more to do with the company saving face than compassion. I mean, if a company is seen as cutting workers and units en masse, then it must mean revenues are down and the company looks bad to the entire business world. So if it doesn’t cut the employees, then the company doesn’t look so bad, right?

Except that our new CEO has cut entire departments and people have been laid off. So it sounds disingenuous, to say the least, to now say you are not going to cut positions. And wouldn’t the people previously let go want to know why they were cut and these other employees were kept on even though their department was disbanded? Just asking…

If a company is shutting down whole departments to save costs, then wouldn’t it make sense to eliminate perhaps the biggest expense: the employees at those units? Doesn’t keeping them on negate the intended purpose of cutting expenses? Obviously, upper management thinks we are just a bunch of morons. (Why do I keep hearing that old Who song in the background: “We won’t be fooled again”?) Something fugazy is going on here.

A couple of examples of fugazy treatment of staffers who were either demoted or had their positions axed but were kept on are very instructive of how upper management works…in a fugazy manner:

One fairly high-lever manager was obviously demoted and his job taken over by another manager. But instead of letting him go, they kept him on and gave him that kiss of death of a title: special projects something or other. Yeah, special projects…cleaning out your gutters at home. (Now, I never liked this guy. He was smug and acted like he was too good to even speak to me. So I can’t say I was sorry to see him get the shaft.)

Please…No one is fooled by that bogus special projects title. It’s a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” title if there ever was one. Fortunately, this guy got the message (getting publicly humiliated in front of co-workers has a way of hitting you upside the head) and found another job. His “special project” position is going unfilled.

Then there was the guy they shuffled around to four different positions before they finally let him go. Before they did, however, they made his life miserable by nitpicking and criticizing the work he did. Apparently, he didn’t get the message soon enough.

He didn’t make the situation any better by constantly grousing and whining. The fact that he was less than enthusiastic about having to learn new jobs every two months was understandable. I’m not sure he could have done anything that would have made the outcome any different. It was obvious they wanted him gone and he was slow on the uptake. But there is a happy ending: he eventually got another job…at a competitor. (Moral of the story to upper management: be careful those workers you discard so cavalierly.)

Far be it from me to question my executive betters, but these decisions seem a bit, well, fugazy.

Taken together those two stories lead me to believe that what is going on here is an indirect (or possibly direct) message to those workers who are kept on but whose departments have been eliminated that goes something like this:

“OK, we’re keeping on the payroll but for only about 6 months. We’re giving you time to find another job so we don’t have to pay unemployment for you. But if you take longer than 6 months, you will make your working life a living hell until you leave or we make you leave. Got it?”

Compassion? More like fugazy. This is all about the company not wanting to look bad, and treating good workers badly and getting away with it under a cloak of phony compassion.

It stretches credulity like Spanx on a Kardarshian to believe that there won't be a winnowing of the headcount sometime soon. We see through this fugazy act like a sheer top on a Hollywood starlet.

Now, to be fair, in some circumstances, they have found proper positions for those staffers whose departments were disbanded. A position may open up they could fill, or if there is a genuine, newly created job (not some fugazy special projects title) a person is qualified for, then it always makes sense to fill from within the company. But those instances are far and few between. Most of the time, you’re likely a goner.

NEWS FLASH! A member of the department resigned today. Now, before you think he took one for the team, he got a great position at a prestigious company. So, it will be interesting to see if they fill his position or let it remain unfilled. If it goes unfilled, then we will know they ultimately had staff cuts on the agenda...yeah, fugazy.  

Then this past week, something happened that shook me and others to the core. I won’t go into the details, suffice to say that when my former company undertook the same strategy, a round of layoffs (including me) soon followed.

Remember, too, we are deep into autumn, the time of the year when companies formulate budgets for the New Year. Those plans could include layoffs. (Oh, how I used to love the fall.) As a co-worker succinctly put it, we workers are here to make the company profits, when we fail to do that and are no longer of use to them, we are cut off like a head in a guillotine

To a company, all these maneuvers are justified as a way to make profits, whatever the cost may be to workers and their families.

And change can be hard. But there is change, and there is a “Game of Thrones” episode; what is happening now is veering uncomfortably close to the latter.

I understand that companies must change direction and if an employee no longer fits into that new vision, then might it be more compassion to let them go instead of jerking them around unmercifully? (Yeah, I can’t believe I’m saying that.)

Frankly, all these changes are disruptive to working morale. How are we as workers supposed to do a good job when we know we could be out of work at any time?

These changes signal to all in and outside of the company that management doesn’t know what it is doing; that is grasping at anything in a futile attempt to make money.

Like I said. Fugazy.

Dear Marina

Dear Marina:

Yes, I, like so many others, have seen your “I Quit” dance video. And I must say, you are an awesome dancer. Love the song. It made me wish I had done an “I’m Laid Off” video of my own. Alas, I have neither the dance nor technical skills. (Well, there's always next time...)

After my initial “atta girl” reaction, my second thought was, “Who would ever hire this person again?” That’s because the more I thought about your narcissistic display, the more I was disturbed by it on so many levels. Not the first of which is how you insulted all the millions of people out of work through no fault of their own and are desperately looking for a job…a job you so cavalierly threw away.  And you pull a stunt like this? Shameful. How many people have lost jobs, their homes, all the while you had a job that kept you housed and fed and in some nifty clothes?

I’m sure your job was demanding and that your boss treated you unfairly. That’s a given in today’s workplace. I’m sure there were times when your work interfered with your amazing social life, and you couldn’t meet your friends for whatever is the hip cocktail now (I don’t drink hard liquor so I wouldn’t know) and take endless selfies to post on your oh-so-humorous Facebook page.

But were conditions that awful? Was your boss a raging alcoholic like my former boss was? Were your co-workers nasty back-stabbers? Your job editing video overseas doesn’t sound like such a bad gig. How many people of your generation would kill for an opportunity like that?

You probably consider yourself a working-class heroine, a modern-day Norma Rae. If that were true, why didn't you go to your boss, or upper management to try to improve the working conditions you found so offensive? I know that's tricky, and HR departments are mere shills for the corporation, but if things were that bad, they may have listened. Seems to me your first priority was furthering your own agenda to become a viral YouTube sensation and comedian ("You probably remember me from a little video I did..."). Do you realize that since you left, your co-workers probably have to do double-work at least temporarily? Nice....

Oh, and I noticed you quit and moved back to the Brooklyn (where you will no doubt get much adoration from your self-regarding ilk) when the new health-care law went into effect. Hmmm….

Why not do what most normal, non-narcissistic people do when they are unhappy or burnt out in their present jobs: Re-write your resume, send it out, or contact people in the industry for any openings. You know, like I did when was I laid off and spent 16 months out of work. Oh, no, that would be beneath your awesomeness.

Marina, dear, you have every right to leave a job. Yet far from being a message of self-empowerment, this video is a calculated attempt to gain attention, aimed at getting as many YouTube views as possible (it worked!)  to further your career as a laughingstock...oh, I mean comedian. (Was it too boring to simply hand in a letter of resignation?) That you tap into a well of workplace resentment is to your credit. But let's not make it into something other than self-promotion based on a very inflated sense of your talents. You're a great marketer, nothing else. Have you hired a publicist yet?

And yes, if I had known my time at my former place of employment would end so badly, I would have taken control and found another job sooner. Lesson learned.

My gut feeling is that no job is worthy of what you consider your unique and special talents. Isn’t that what you’ve been told from the crib…that you are special and unique and fabulous? Unfortunately, you have never had to actually do anything of substance to prove you are special, unique or fabulous. Dare I point out that anyone with a bit of training could have made the same video?

Frankly, you just come off as just another privileged Millennial who cannot believe that he/she actually has to work for a living. After all, your entire life you’ve gotten trophies for just showing up. You’ve gotten accolades without any real accomplishments. So the fact that your boss expected you to meet some standards (fair or not) was probably a foreign concept to you. How could you possibly do anything wrong?

I’m sure you think you struck a blow for downtrodden workers everywhere. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, you denigrate all hard-working people everywhere with this video that pretty much says, "I'm too good to be one of you." All you did was confirm the thinking in many employers’ minds that Millennials are a bunch of spoiled brats with a me-first work ethic. 

No, this was all about bringing attention to your own fabulous self. And you did just that: Getting interviews on TV shows and – unbelievably – a job offer from Queen Latifah!!! I’m shocked that a smart-ass Jersey Girl like Latifah didn’t see through your blatant self-promotion.

And I’m sure your parents are just thrilled to have their formerly self-sustaining daughter living back home, and no doubt begging for monetary support.

From the comments I have read, opinion seems split between those who support you and those who think you are an immature, self-absorbed little twit. (Guess which camp I’m in.) But hey, if anyone dares criticize you, you can just say they are jealous and that you did what you felt was right for you. Spoken like a true narcissist.

So now what? You say you want to go into comedy or creative writing. OK, let’s hear your stand-up routine. Let’s see your writing. And how about a little self-reflection while you have so much free time now.

Because pretty soon your 15 minutes of fame will be over. Now get to work.

Sincerely,

Jerzey Girl

Happy Labor Day!

Ah, Labor Day! Enjoy the off day. It’s one of the few perks us beleaguered workers get.

I’m somewhat surprised we still go through this annual farce. Considering what low regard companies have for their workers, this holiday is probably the most phony one on the calendar. At least at Christmas we make an attempt to promote goodwill toward mankind. Perhaps we should rename it “Record Corporate Profits Day” or “Outsource to India Day," or more accurately “Layoff Day.” Because despite some rosy pronouncements on the economy, layoffs are still occurring across the U.S.

It’s also ridiculous in light of how corporate American has decimated labor unions. Funny, too, how many politicians, mostly Republicans, but Democrats as well, try to tap into middle/working class “anger,” when, in reality, they are the ones who cater to corporations that are systematically cutting workers out of the middle class in order to horde more profits. These politicians, who are elected by us, to serve us, won't even vote for a minimum wage law. Minimum Wage!! But that is for another blog.

This blog is about what it is like to work in the Era of Mass Layoffs, at a time when companies would really rather not employ workers, how every decision is made for the betterment of the corporation, not society or individuals.

How often are laid-off workers told it was just a “business decision”? I thought about that the other day (yes, I think too much), and it suddenly occurred to me that the reason they said it was a “business” decision is because they then don’t have to face up to the fact they are making a very “human” decision; how they are destroying lives and families, how they, in truth, are keeping the economy in low gear by letting go of people who are no longer spending consumers. In essence, they could be harming their own business. But they don’t care, as long as profits are kept high. It’s only a “business” decision, right?

How this for a radical idea? How about we make "human" decisions, decisions not made on selfish self-interest, but on what is good for the people around us and the community. Highly unlikely that will ever happen in corporate America.

I understand, I truly do, that companies sometimes change direction and staffing needs are altered. Companies do have to cut expenses in recessions. My objection is not with the rationale; it's that they don't take it one step further. They fervently believe that simply cutting staff will make a company profitable without any corresponding strategy to boost revenues.

Will their profits be high for much longer after they let go of hundreds and thousands of workers? Maybe, or maybe not. My former company just went through another round of layoffs. This after I was told I was laid off to “save the company." How many more have to be sacrificed to save a company that is obviously foundering? It’s as if the company is more important than people, its workers. Seems to me they only bought a bit more time before the inevitable occurs.

Happy Labor Day indeed!