Three More Workplace Zeroes

Back by popular demand (I think) are three more workplace zeroes, those annoying personalities and outright headcases that make our work and private lives a living hell.

The Smartest Kid in the Class. You know this type. He/she has been making your life miserable since the second grade. They were always the first to raise their hand and get the correct answer. Their reports and projects were always A+. They were always the kids the teacher singled out as the best in the class. Known by other names like Teacher’s Pet, brown-noser and butt-kisser, they were annoying and frustrating. No matter how hard you worked, they were always just that much better. And they made sure you knew that.

You see this type in the workplace as well. You do two projects; they do four. You stay late; they stay 15 minutes later. No one works harder than they do and they make sure you know that. While being the smartest kid in the class may have gotten them gold stars in third grade, I’m not sure it really counts for much in the workplace. If budgets cuts are necessary, it’s not going to make one iota of difference how hard you worked or how late you stayed in the office. You will be a goner (unless you are an expert butt-kisser.)

I see this type with one particular woman in my office. A prototypical smartest kid in the class, she stays late and does more than anyone else (when she really doesn’t have to). Why? Because she’s the smartest kid in the class. 

Or is she? At closer inspection, I contend that her staying late may just be workplace theater. That with better time management, she could probably get her work done within 7 or 8 hours. She has also, I realize, formulated a clever research method that enables her to find reports that she simply rehashes and gets praise for. She also refuses any help because, you got it, nobody is as smart as she is and no one can do the work as well as she can (or so she believes). Total narcissism. (More on that later.)

What I don’t understand is that this woman (unlike me) has a life outside the office…a young child and a husband (a Dutch-born filmmaker no less). So why not go home and spend time with her family?

No she won't. Because she, like all other former Teacher's Pets, is addicted to praise. Most "normal" people (whatever that is, not quite sure) like to be praised, but we don't constantly seek it. If we get praised for a good job, great. If not, so what? If we get criticized for screwing up, well, we don't like it, but we take it in stride and vow to do better next time.

Frankly, I think she and all the smartest kids in the class are heading for a crackup. She actually had a mini-meltdown in the office the other day. (She was also the co-worker who screamed at me when I tried to wish her good night. Crazy.) The constant pressure to always be the smartest kid in the class leads to an unhealthy perfectionism and an inflated sense of one’s abilities.

The Solution? There really isn’t one on your part. These people need psychological help. Nothing you can say or do is going to make them understand they are no longer in grade school and —horrors — they just may not be the smartest kid in the class anymore.

The Know-it-All. ARG! Even when they do know it all, they are still annoying. They are always right, even when they are proven wrong. They know everything about everything and what they like is always going to be better than what you think is good or what you like.

But let’s say for the sake of argument, that you do prove the know-it-all wrong. Do you think they will ever admit they were wrong? Fat chance. The best you get is some, “Oh, yeah, la di da…” shrug off. Don’t even bother trying.

The way I see it, unless your first name is Albert and last name Einstein, then you don’t know it all.

The Solution? Again, there really isn’t any. You will never convince them of them of their ultimate delusion and yes, stupidity. But when you know they are wrong, you can always take comfort in knowing you proved them wrong, even if it’s just to yourself.

The Narcissist. These are probably the most difficult people to get along with either on a personal basis or in workplace setting. It’s all about them, all the time. I’m not talking about a typical self-absorbed person who babbles on endlessly about themselves (we’re all guilty of that at times). A self-absorbed person will occasionally inquire about your life and wellbeing. A narcissist, never. Their self-absorption is grandiose in its tenor.

That’s because a narcissist believes the world resolves about him or her. Her problems will always take precedence over yours. If you talk about a difficult time you are going through, well, to a narcissist, you are being negative and they really don’t care. But you must listen to their endless complains about their job, their love life, and on and on. Because they are so much better, more important than you.

Now, you may think a narcissist is the same as an egotist. Though the line between the two is thin, there are distinct differences.

An egotist, for one, is confident in their abilities. Yet while they may think they are smarter than the next guy, or are better in some particular skill, they DO NOT believe they are a better person because of it. Most egotists are humble enough to admit when they are wrong and will sometimes be self-deprecating. A narcissist takes himself way too seriously to ever have a sense of humor, especially about themselves.

An egotist will monopolize the conversation; but a narcissist will suck the air out of the room with their unrelenting need for attention. Most egotists I know are self-aware enough to, on occasion, admit they have a big ego; a narcissist would never have that much insight into their damaged psyche.

A narcissist would never admit to being wrong. He or she cannot abide even the mildest of criticism and will cut you to pieces if you have the temerity to question their actions or beliefs. (An egotist would at least evaluate the criticism.) They think they are the most wonderful people on earth and anybody else who doesn’t believe as they do is beneath them.

If you dare criticize them, it’s because you are jealous or a negative person. It’s never because they were being a condescending jerk.

There are some code phrases that are the hallmarks of a narcissist. They include: “I deserve…” “Oh, she’s just jealous of me…” “Oh, that person is so negative…” “I’m so unique…”

Oh, and nothing but THE BEST for a narcissist. Who do you think keeps Whole Foods in business?

You can usually spot a narcissist by how they are constantly focused on themselves and their own feelings, not other people or the outside world. Try having a normal conversation with a narcissist. You can’t.

The only good thing about a narcissist is that you never have to worry about what they think of you...because they only think of themselves. And if they do think about you, it's probably that they think they are better than you (a point I'm happy to concede).

They are really quite sad people. They are so blinded by their own narcissism that they don't see the damage it's doing to their relationships with other people. They believe another person is only there to love and honor them; it's about what they can receive in a relationship, not what they can give. Narcissists have wildly unrealistic expectations of what love and friendship truly is. It's a give and take, not a one-sided affair.

They cannot fathom that another person has needs, feelings and beliefs that deserve respect. It's all "me me me"...all the time. When the relationships goes sour, the narcissist blames the other person, when, in reality, it was their own narcissism that destroyed the relationship.

Another sign is their incessant posting of selfies on their Facebook page. It just screams “Look at me and tell me how beautiful/handsome I am!” (What else is a person supposed to write in response to a selfie? “Hey, when was the last time you had a good night’s sleep” Or, “You need to step away from the Big Macs.”)

Unlike a confident egotist, a narcissist is supremely insecure and tries to mask that insecurity with an exaggerated sense of their own importance.

The more I live, the more I realize the most pernicious human frailty is narcissism. Unfortunately, our society promotes an unhealthy concentration on ourselves, our wants, needs, and feelings, sometimes under the guise of "self help spirituality." Nothing wrong with self improvement, but perhaps we'd all be a lot of happier if we thought about other people more often instead of ourselves all the time.

The Solution? After much trial and error, I’ve come to realize that it’s near impossible to be a friend of a narcissist. They want to pull you into their own self-focused universe. They don’t want a friend; they want a fan, somebody who will continually tell them how wonderful they are. A true friend will be supportive, but will tell you, in a nice way, when you are being a jerk. My best advice for dealing with a narcissist is to stay away from them. Don’t get sucked into their me-only world. There is no room for anyone else but the narcissist.

So there you have it…three more workplace zeroes. You know of any more?

Fugazy

Fugazy (fa-gay-zee)…an Italian-American urban slang term meaning something that is cheesy, not quite right, a lie, phony, not authentic.

When politicians or corporations are fugazy, it’s called spin. When anybody else acts fugazy, it’s called lying.

I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately because there have certainly been some fugazy happenings at work in recent weeks.

First, they announce they are closing down three business lines, yet keeping the people who worked for those units on staff, but in different, unspecified roles. The stated reason from upper management is they “don’t want to let good people go.”

Like that has ever stopped them before. At my former workplace, when they shut down your department, they wanted you outta there at warp speed. So I guess it was somewhat comforting to hear management express some measure of compassion for employees, instead of simply giving them the steel-toed boot.

It was also heartening to hear a company admit that if a worker is doing a good job, the job they were hired for, but revenues are down through no fault of the employee, then there really is no justifiable reason to let a good person go. And certainly with the amount of work they are asking us to do, we need all hands on deck. (Alas, companies don’t think like that; it’s all about doing more with less and squeezing as much as possible out of a leaner and leaner workforce.)

Is this really compassion? Digging a little deeper, this has more to do with the company saving face than compassion. I mean, if a company is seen as cutting workers and units en masse, then it must mean revenues are down and the company looks bad to the entire business world. So if it doesn’t cut the employees, then the company doesn’t look so bad, right?

Except that our new CEO has cut entire departments and people have been laid off. So it sounds disingenuous, to say the least, to now say you are not going to cut positions. And wouldn’t the people previously let go want to know why they were cut and these other employees were kept on even though their department was disbanded? Just asking…

If a company is shutting down whole departments to save costs, then wouldn’t it make sense to eliminate perhaps the biggest expense: the employees at those units? Doesn’t keeping them on negate the intended purpose of cutting expenses? Obviously, upper management thinks we are just a bunch of morons. (Why do I keep hearing that old Who song in the background: “We won’t be fooled again”?) Something fugazy is going on here.

A couple of examples of fugazy treatment of staffers who were either demoted or had their positions axed but were kept on are very instructive of how upper management works…in a fugazy manner:

One fairly high-lever manager was obviously demoted and his job taken over by another manager. But instead of letting him go, they kept him on and gave him that kiss of death of a title: special projects something or other. Yeah, special projects…cleaning out your gutters at home. (Now, I never liked this guy. He was smug and acted like he was too good to even speak to me. So I can’t say I was sorry to see him get the shaft.)

Please…No one is fooled by that bogus special projects title. It’s a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” title if there ever was one. Fortunately, this guy got the message (getting publicly humiliated in front of co-workers has a way of hitting you upside the head) and found another job. His “special project” position is going unfilled.

Then there was the guy they shuffled around to four different positions before they finally let him go. Before they did, however, they made his life miserable by nitpicking and criticizing the work he did. Apparently, he didn’t get the message soon enough.

He didn’t make the situation any better by constantly grousing and whining. The fact that he was less than enthusiastic about having to learn new jobs every two months was understandable. I’m not sure he could have done anything that would have made the outcome any different. It was obvious they wanted him gone and he was slow on the uptake. But there is a happy ending: he eventually got another job…at a competitor. (Moral of the story to upper management: be careful those workers you discard so cavalierly.)

Far be it from me to question my executive betters, but these decisions seem a bit, well, fugazy.

Taken together those two stories lead me to believe that what is going on here is an indirect (or possibly direct) message to those workers who are kept on but whose departments have been eliminated that goes something like this:

“OK, we’re keeping on the payroll but for only about 6 months. We’re giving you time to find another job so we don’t have to pay unemployment for you. But if you take longer than 6 months, you will make your working life a living hell until you leave or we make you leave. Got it?”

Compassion? More like fugazy. This is all about the company not wanting to look bad, and treating good workers badly and getting away with it under a cloak of phony compassion.

It stretches credulity like Spanx on a Kardarshian to believe that there won't be a winnowing of the headcount sometime soon. We see through this fugazy act like a sheer top on a Hollywood starlet.

Now, to be fair, in some circumstances, they have found proper positions for those staffers whose departments were disbanded. A position may open up they could fill, or if there is a genuine, newly created job (not some fugazy special projects title) a person is qualified for, then it always makes sense to fill from within the company. But those instances are far and few between. Most of the time, you’re likely a goner.

NEWS FLASH! A member of the department resigned today. Now, before you think he took one for the team, he got a great position at a prestigious company. So, it will be interesting to see if they fill his position or let it remain unfilled. If it goes unfilled, then we will know they ultimately had staff cuts on the agenda...yeah, fugazy.  

Then this past week, something happened that shook me and others to the core. I won’t go into the details, suffice to say that when my former company undertook the same strategy, a round of layoffs (including me) soon followed.

Remember, too, we are deep into autumn, the time of the year when companies formulate budgets for the New Year. Those plans could include layoffs. (Oh, how I used to love the fall.) As a co-worker succinctly put it, we workers are here to make the company profits, when we fail to do that and are no longer of use to them, we are cut off like a head in a guillotine

To a company, all these maneuvers are justified as a way to make profits, whatever the cost may be to workers and their families.

And change can be hard. But there is change, and there is a “Game of Thrones” episode; what is happening now is veering uncomfortably close to the latter.

I understand that companies must change direction and if an employee no longer fits into that new vision, then might it be more compassion to let them go instead of jerking them around unmercifully? (Yeah, I can’t believe I’m saying that.)

Frankly, all these changes are disruptive to working morale. How are we as workers supposed to do a good job when we know we could be out of work at any time?

These changes signal to all in and outside of the company that management doesn’t know what it is doing; that is grasping at anything in a futile attempt to make money.

Like I said. Fugazy.

Dear Marina

Dear Marina:

Yes, I, like so many others, have seen your “I Quit” dance video. And I must say, you are an awesome dancer. Love the song. It made me wish I had done an “I’m Laid Off” video of my own. Alas, I have neither the dance nor technical skills. (Well, there's always next time...)

After my initial “atta girl” reaction, my second thought was, “Who would ever hire this person again?” That’s because the more I thought about your narcissistic display, the more I was disturbed by it on so many levels. Not the first of which is how you insulted all the millions of people out of work through no fault of their own and are desperately looking for a job…a job you so cavalierly threw away.  And you pull a stunt like this? Shameful. How many people have lost jobs, their homes, all the while you had a job that kept you housed and fed and in some nifty clothes?

I’m sure your job was demanding and that your boss treated you unfairly. That’s a given in today’s workplace. I’m sure there were times when your work interfered with your amazing social life, and you couldn’t meet your friends for whatever is the hip cocktail now (I don’t drink hard liquor so I wouldn’t know) and take endless selfies to post on your oh-so-humorous Facebook page.

But were conditions that awful? Was your boss a raging alcoholic like my former boss was? Were your co-workers nasty back-stabbers? Your job editing video overseas doesn’t sound like such a bad gig. How many people of your generation would kill for an opportunity like that?

You probably consider yourself a working-class heroine, a modern-day Norma Rae. If that were true, why didn't you go to your boss, or upper management to try to improve the working conditions you found so offensive? I know that's tricky, and HR departments are mere shills for the corporation, but if things were that bad, they may have listened. Seems to me your first priority was furthering your own agenda to become a viral YouTube sensation and comedian ("You probably remember me from a little video I did..."). Do you realize that since you left, your co-workers probably have to do double-work at least temporarily? Nice....

Oh, and I noticed you quit and moved back to the Brooklyn (where you will no doubt get much adoration from your self-regarding ilk) when the new health-care law went into effect. Hmmm….

Why not do what most normal, non-narcissistic people do when they are unhappy or burnt out in their present jobs: Re-write your resume, send it out, or contact people in the industry for any openings. You know, like I did when was I laid off and spent 16 months out of work. Oh, no, that would be beneath your awesomeness.

Marina, dear, you have every right to leave a job. Yet far from being a message of self-empowerment, this video is a calculated attempt to gain attention, aimed at getting as many YouTube views as possible (it worked!)  to further your career as a laughingstock...oh, I mean comedian. (Was it too boring to simply hand in a letter of resignation?) That you tap into a well of workplace resentment is to your credit. But let's not make it into something other than self-promotion based on a very inflated sense of your talents. You're a great marketer, nothing else. Have you hired a publicist yet?

And yes, if I had known my time at my former place of employment would end so badly, I would have taken control and found another job sooner. Lesson learned.

My gut feeling is that no job is worthy of what you consider your unique and special talents. Isn’t that what you’ve been told from the crib…that you are special and unique and fabulous? Unfortunately, you have never had to actually do anything of substance to prove you are special, unique or fabulous. Dare I point out that anyone with a bit of training could have made the same video?

Frankly, you just come off as just another privileged Millennial who cannot believe that he/she actually has to work for a living. After all, your entire life you’ve gotten trophies for just showing up. You’ve gotten accolades without any real accomplishments. So the fact that your boss expected you to meet some standards (fair or not) was probably a foreign concept to you. How could you possibly do anything wrong?

I’m sure you think you struck a blow for downtrodden workers everywhere. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, you denigrate all hard-working people everywhere with this video that pretty much says, "I'm too good to be one of you." All you did was confirm the thinking in many employers’ minds that Millennials are a bunch of spoiled brats with a me-first work ethic. 

No, this was all about bringing attention to your own fabulous self. And you did just that: Getting interviews on TV shows and – unbelievably – a job offer from Queen Latifah!!! I’m shocked that a smart-ass Jersey Girl like Latifah didn’t see through your blatant self-promotion.

And I’m sure your parents are just thrilled to have their formerly self-sustaining daughter living back home, and no doubt begging for monetary support.

From the comments I have read, opinion seems split between those who support you and those who think you are an immature, self-absorbed little twit. (Guess which camp I’m in.) But hey, if anyone dares criticize you, you can just say they are jealous and that you did what you felt was right for you. Spoken like a true narcissist.

So now what? You say you want to go into comedy or creative writing. OK, let’s hear your stand-up routine. Let’s see your writing. And how about a little self-reflection while you have so much free time now.

Because pretty soon your 15 minutes of fame will be over. Now get to work.

Sincerely,

Jerzey Girl

Happy Labor Day!

Ah, Labor Day! Enjoy the off day. It’s one of the few perks us beleaguered workers get.

I’m somewhat surprised we still go through this annual farce. Considering what low regard companies have for their workers, this holiday is probably the most phony one on the calendar. At least at Christmas we make an attempt to promote goodwill toward mankind. Perhaps we should rename it “Record Corporate Profits Day” or “Outsource to India Day," or more accurately “Layoff Day.” Because despite some rosy pronouncements on the economy, layoffs are still occurring across the U.S.

It’s also ridiculous in light of how corporate American has decimated labor unions. Funny, too, how many politicians, mostly Republicans, but Democrats as well, try to tap into middle/working class “anger,” when, in reality, they are the ones who cater to corporations that are systematically cutting workers out of the middle class in order to horde more profits. These politicians, who are elected by us, to serve us, won't even vote for a minimum wage law. Minimum Wage!! But that is for another blog.

This blog is about what it is like to work in the Era of Mass Layoffs, at a time when companies would really rather not employ workers, how every decision is made for the betterment of the corporation, not society or individuals.

How often are laid-off workers told it was just a “business decision”? I thought about that the other day (yes, I think too much), and it suddenly occurred to me that the reason they said it was a “business” decision is because they then don’t have to face up to the fact they are making a very “human” decision; how they are destroying lives and families, how they, in truth, are keeping the economy in low gear by letting go of people who are no longer spending consumers. In essence, they could be harming their own business. But they don’t care, as long as profits are kept high. It’s only a “business” decision, right?

How this for a radical idea? How about we make "human" decisions, decisions not made on selfish self-interest, but on what is good for the people around us and the community. Highly unlikely that will ever happen in corporate America.

I understand, I truly do, that companies sometimes change direction and staffing needs are altered. Companies do have to cut expenses in recessions. My objection is not with the rationale; it's that they don't take it one step further. They fervently believe that simply cutting staff will make a company profitable without any corresponding strategy to boost revenues.

Will their profits be high for much longer after they let go of hundreds and thousands of workers? Maybe, or maybe not. My former company just went through another round of layoffs. This after I was told I was laid off to “save the company." How many more have to be sacrificed to save a company that is obviously foundering? It’s as if the company is more important than people, its workers. Seems to me they only bought a bit more time before the inevitable occurs.

Happy Labor Day indeed!

What Goes Around….

Heard some interesting news last week. My former workplace, the same sweat shop that thought my salary was dragging down the entire company, has undertaken yet another round of layoffs.

Caught in the web of underhanded corporate cost cutting in my former department (that I know of for sure): the d-bag editor who terminated my job; one marketing guy; another web-focused editor who didn’t do much; and a secretary. The parent company also cut another 35 positions.

Now, you may be thinking that when I first heard of this I would be jumping for joy. I did not. Honestly, I didn’t feel anything either way. I wasn’t pleased by the news, nor was I particularly saddened by it either. It certainly doesn't change what I and others went through when we were laid off so cavalierly.

My first thought was this: What goes around comes around. More on that later, but let’s discuss two of the players in this pointless drama.

Yes, the one editor was a total douchebag, who systematically and cunningly laid off any and all people who he felt threatened his seniority or job. He was also the one who told us that none of us had job security. Wonder how he feels about that now, now that he is the one out of a job.

Still…he had been with the company for over 25 years. Personal feelings aside, it’s a sad commentary on how companies now treat their long-term employees that someone with his seniority was let go. How is someone of his age (either he has reached 60 or is very near it) going to find another full-time gig? Surely he envisioned – and probably deserved – a much different exit from the workplace than, “pack up your desk and leave.” So for him, I can reserve a bit of sympathy and well wishes.

Not so for the web-focused editor, a lazy fuck. How he managed to stay on so long by doing so little amazes me. How I was first alerted to the layoffs was when he started posting self-pitying comments on Facebook about his first and second and third day of unemployment.

Oh, sure, when everyone else was being laid off, he barely took notice. He sat at his desk, staring at the computer, oblivious to the emotional devastation around him. He didn’t care at all. Oh, but when it happened it him, he’s all wah wah wah. Tell it to the Marines!

He was also the one who sat in on a meeting and argued that a co-worker’s job should be saved during the same round of layoff during which I was chucked to the unemployment rolls. Why did he do this? Because he wanted to spare his friend from being jobless? No, he thought if this guy were let go, he would have to do more work!!!! Un – freaking – believable!!! If he had it done to help a friend, I would have more respect for him. But he did it out of pure self-interest and laziness. Well, now he has his wish. I think he is probably terrified at the possibility of having to go out and find a job and actually having to do, you know, real work. I have no sympathy for him. The gravy train doesn’t stop there anymore for you, bub…

But what was even more ludicrous was reading the explanations behind the layoffs from the executives at the parent company. There was the usual spin about how this was going to make the company a leaner, more nimble company (that’s what they all say), how they were  oh so saddened by having to let so many employees go (spare me); and the one that always makes me wanna vomit: the company is doing well and the board is behind their vision for the firm.

AAARRGGGGG!!! Gag me with a spoon! Seriously, I don’t know what is worse: that they themselves believe these bold-faced lies or that they expect anyone to believe such bullcrap. Like Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey (more on that in a future post) would say, "They are lying through their tooths."

First, companies that are doing well financially do not see the need to lay off 40-60 employees at a pop. And this is at a rather smallish (800 employees) company. I understand the need to make the company more efficient, streamline operations and maneuver the company to meet shifting priorities and market realities. But obviously, this is being done to cut costs, pure and simple.

And if you are saddened by letting so many workers go, well, then don’t. Again, there is no other reason for doing it except to cut expenses at a foundering company. I heard through the grapevine that when the head of the division -- a thoroughly odious drunk – had to let go of the long-term editor, he cried. Well, if he did, they were of the crocodile variety. Those two hated each other and were frequently at each other’s throats. If he did cry, it was because he lost one of his favorite whipping posts. He’ll get over it at the nearest bar.

And if he does feel bad, then, well, maybe he should, considering the deplorable way he has treated people. And I'm not just talking about the scores of people he has laid off to save himself and his cronies, but his abusive behavior toward co-workers and underlings. He is a workplace bully and serial harasser. Perhaps what's he sad about is that he has one fewer person to torture.

And whenever I read a line about how the board is behind the company’s strategy, I think of baseball managers who get a “vote of confidence” by ownership two weeks before they are fired.

This parent company is obviously in bad shape and has been for a while. They have undertaken mergers and de-mergers, a new CEO, and repeated rounds of layoffs for nearly a decade. Yet, according to published reports, they are still cutting staff and are operating with a debt load of over a quarter of a billion dollars. Does anyone in their right mind think that cutting an editor here and a secretary there is going to bring down a debt tally that would make A-Rod’s contract look like a bill at five and dime store?

Yes, they could sell, as some commentators noted, but who would buy a company that can’t seem to get its act together? So it’s doubtful this company will be in business much longer.

Oh, how I wish, just once, a company would be honest and write a press release something like this:

“Yes, we a cut a third of our workforce, because frankly our revenues suck and we have no clue as to how to increase them. So we took the easy way out: cut a lot of workers. It may not make the company profitable, but who cares? It looks like we’re doing something. Upper management was spared so we can keep our bloated salaries. If the company sells, so what? We get a fat check.  Hey, we’re only here because daddy’s bucks got us into good schools where we could parlay our connections and meaningless credentials into high-level executives positions. Did you really expect us to come up with innovations? Do real work? Get real. Oh, and by the way, we don’t want any more regulations. Bye…happy hour is calling.”

Yeah, right, that will never happen. But back to my original thought: Would I feel bad if my former company did go under? I don’t mind admitting that when I was first let go, I wanted to see the entire company crash and burn. But then I thought better of that. If that were to come to pass, then people I once worked with who were good, honest and hardworking employees would lose their jobs. I didn’t want to see that.

Again, I wonder if all the turmoil they caused was worth it. I mean, I was told I was laid off to "save the company." Yet the company is still laying off people and is obviously in financial trouble.  So I guess my ginormous salary really wasn't dragging down the company. 

Now, if the nasty booze hound who heads the division I worked for lost his job, or the pill-popping drunken whore who made sure I got laid off so she would have no threat to her job, if they lost their jobs, I would do a happy dance in my underpants. Alas, once again, they have managed to save themselves from the ax. For now, anyway.

Will I contact any of them? Should I contact them? I don't think I will. I've been gone so long they probably have long forgotten me. (Two former co-workers de-friended me on Facebook!?) It's an emotional time for them. My expressions of sympathy might be misinterpreted as gloating. Better to keep my distance.

Yet, I cannot feel too sorry for them. I know for a fact these very same people (except the secretary) sat in secretive, Tammany Hall-style meeting and decided who stayed and who went during previous rounds of layoffs. I do not believe that you can repeatedly engage in that kind of Machiavellian, back-stabbing behavior yet somehow believe it is not going to come back to you. It will. At some point, it becomes like a circular firing squad.

Because what goes around comes around. 

Curb My Enthusiasm

Way back when, when I was in junior high school and high school, we would be made to endure what were called “pep rallies.” Not sure if schools sponsor these annoying spectacles anymore. They shouldn’t.

For these pep rallies, the students would be herded in an auditorium to watch the cheerleaders cheer and be told we didn’t have enough school spirit. During one particularly dreary conclave, a mousy member of the student council who came from a good family and was going to a good school (you know the type) stood at the podium and told us, “I’m your school spirit and I’m dying!” Ug! I kid you not. Sadly, no such speech would be made in a school today.

Even to my young, not-yet-fully-formed cynical mind, I thought these assemblies were ridiculous. How did they know we didn’t have school spirit? On what criteria were we being judged? We didn’t attend enough sporting events? (The few times I went to a football game, the stands were full.) That we were apathetic and sullen? (Um, it’s called being a teenager.) I could never understand why we were subjected to this. As long as we went to school and were reasonably well behaved (we were), why were we being berated that we didn’t have school spirit? As if that were so important. Wouldn’t we be better off learning something, like math or English? Sure, the cheerleaders were peppy, but that’s their job. The rest of us? Not so much.

For an unpopular bottom feeder like me, mocked by classmates, ignored by teachers, I couldn’t wait to get out of that building everyday (so I could go home to my equally indifferent family). So maybe you can understand why these pep rallies were particularly painful for me.

I often think of these high school pep rallies whenever I get an email at work from upper management telling us how the new direction the company is going in is oh-so wonderful (of course, they bury the lead in the fourth graph when they admit about a half dozen people lost their jobs) or whenever I hear a CEO tell us how important their workers are to the company.

As my late Italian-American mother would say, bull throw. I don’t believe a word of it, not a word. Like those meaningless pep rallies, all those empty platitudes do is curb my enthusiasm and make me wanna run and hurl.

Yet we’re expected to peppy and enthusiastic about our work when it’s pretty clear to us that upper management will get rid of us in a hurry to save themselves and their drinking buds. (To be fair, the All White Males Club at my workplace did decide recently not to jettison our department. For now.)

We’re given double workloads, crappy health plans, no or miniscule raises and bad treatment, yet we’re expected to show enthusiasm for our jobs. The deck is stacked against us. The system only works for CEOs and upper management.

At my former workplace, they had a list of core values. One was respect for their workers and how workers were the company’s most valued resource. Ha! The former CEO pretty much gutted our division and made the head of our department (a drunken idiot) cut dozens of staffers.

And it’s not as if we have any recourse. Go to HR? What a joke! HR’s only job is to protect the company and that means upper management, not the lowly cubicle dwellers. (Again, to be fair, if you have a problem with your health care plan, I’ve found most HR people to be helpful.)

One lady I work with now told me her supervisor routinely criticized her work and told her she was fat. Now, if there was a problem with her work or office behavior that should be addressed. However, she won an industry award for her work, so how bad could she have been? No worker should have personal insults hurled at him or her. That’s workplace harassment. To me, she seems like a perfectly nice woman, not a high-strung nutcase. So what was the problem?

When she complained to HR, she was told that it wasn’t their problem and that she had to work it out with her supervisor. Yeah, right. She was eventually laid off.

So you get my drift here. If companies choose to treat their workers like pieces of crap and eliminate jobs by the hundreds, that’s their prerogative. They cannot, however, expect loyalty or enthusiasm in return from workers.

Saved. For. Now.

Well, folks, I still have a job and will have one for at least the foreseeable future.

Yes, there were discussions about the “future of” my department. However, at this time, the plan is to tweak our mission, so to speak. And our department is on the company budget for 2014.

Even more to the good, I got a raise. Three percent, but I’ll take it. I was not looking forward to going on unemployment again. Ug! I hated that.

Still…

After being laid off myself and seeing so many good colleagues shown the door, I know circumstances can change and change overnight. If the economy nosedives or the All White Males Club decides to hack away at our department, they will do so with not a care to what they are doing to other people’s lives. That is the same as what it was six months ago and what it will be six months from now. No one has job security (except the managers who tell you that no one has any job security. They always seem to save themselves.). Once the "future of" discussions start, it's usually an eventual slippery slope to oblivion.

I do feel a bit foolish, but I wasn't completely wrong (or paranoid). They definitely were discussing the "future of" my department, and that could have meant anything. 

So in many ways, this is simply a temporary reprieve. At the very least, it gives me time to get a new resume together and pay off more debt. (Now if the NY Mets could only get a power-hitting outfielder my life would be just about perfect.)

To be fair, I understand that the CEO is doing what he’s supposed to do. Looking for ways to cut costs and expand the company in new directions is his job. It’s just unfortunate that his job sometimes means other people will lose theirs.

The best we as workers can hope for is that he or any CEO does so in a thoughtful and deliberate fashion, not in a panic while figuring out how to save themselves and their lapdogs in a bar during happy hour. (No lie, that was pretty much what happened at my previous workplace. The top three-four managers were all alcoholics. Never work for drunks…you will never win.)

But for now, I have a job and for that I’m thankful. Time to bring back my office coffee cup.